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Enhancing Sexual Intimacy
By: Karen Israel, M.Ed.
What do you do if your husband or boyfriend doesn’t want sex as often as he used to or anymore at all?
This can be a serious concern to both parties in a relationship. I have chosen to focus on men in heterosexual relationships for this article specifically because of the social reputation men seem to have for having insatiable libidos.
It is possible, that throughout the course of a relationship, the desire for sex can wax and wane. When the man in a heterosexual relationship begins to desire sex less, this can create many adverse effects on the woman in the relationship. She may grow to feel inadequate and wonder if she is still alluring to him. She may begin to question her attractiveness resulting in lowered self-esteem and discord between the partners. She may also build anger, resentment, and sadness toward the situation which can perpetuate the loss of intimacy.
Something that is commonly paramount for most women is sexual intimacy and the resulting emotional intimacy that follows. For many women this is a very effective and quite pleasing way at continuously reestablishing her connection to her mate. When the male in the relationship loses his desire for sex, the female may understand that as an unwillingness to become closer and more united with her. It is therefore very important for both partners to understand the reasons for his diminished sexual appetite and come to an agreement about how to remedy this very delicate situation.
There are many possible reasons for a man’s lowered libido. First and foremost, all biological and physiological factors should be ruled out. If he is having any sort of sexual functioning issue, such as erectile dysfunction, impotence, or ejaculatory problems, he should seek the advice and potential treatment from a medical professional. Given that any biological problems are ruled out, the causes could then be psychological in nature. He could be dealing with a great deal of stress at work or home on a myriad of issues that can result in lack of sexual desire. Emotional stress can be tremendously more taxing on a person than the most rigorous physical stress because of the effort it takes for the mind to recover from the stressor. He may also deal with some anticipatory anxiety regarding sex which can cause premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or an overall uncertainty that he is pleasing his partner to her satisfaction.
Any type of pre-existing medical conditions can also cause added stress in his life that physiologically and psychologically may impede him or preoccupy him from wanting sex or even any sort of pleasure. Such conditions might be diabetes, blood pressure concerns, and other cardiac concerns that call for medications that may impede sexual desire.
This also brings me to the issue of depression. While depression, itself, can reduce anyone’s sexual desire, many anti-depressant medications out today also work against a person’s libido. If you or your partner are taking anti-depressants, check with your prescribing physician or psychiatrist about options which produce a lower incidence of sexual side-effects.
On a practical note, there is the possibility that the relationship has become stale or has lost some of its excitement. This loss can manifest itself in sexual intimacy as a result of the daily grind and schedule that constrains us all. Options to rediscover the fire that has dwindled are short vacations solely for the two of you, little gifts and surprises to add romance back into the relationship, or the supplementation of erotica as well as various sexual enhancement toys and devices that could really spice things up. Of course, communication about these particular additions is always recommended, so talk to your partner about his or her likes and dislikes and find out what will work best for both of you.
One remaining probable cause that is difficult for couples to look at is the man’s possible loss of interest in the relationship. It is important to mention that any emotional disparity on his part (or any partner’s part for that matter) is, to a great extent, due to his own actions and beliefs. The most aversive of issues, infidelity, is a very delicate matter and many mental health practitioners differ on whether or not to disclose any unfaithfulness. The help of a marriage counselor could greatly benefit a couple dealing with such an issue and help them decide the best course of action.
In the event that these psychological issues may be present, I advise seeking the help of a sex therapist or a mental health professional who has experience treating sexual disorders and related issues. Before, during, and after you seek the help of a professional, I recommend continuous openness, honesty and communication about the issues that brought you into therapy. Naturally, that would be my advice regarding anything that concerns two partners in a relationship. In a relationship, if one partner has a problem, they are both contributing to it and have the power to fix it as well.
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