First, we need to set some parameters and start with a question. Is it really possible to love others if you do not love yourself? I hope that for you the answer to this question is self evident. But for most I believe the question is difficult to answer and even harder to put into action. It is a sad fact that most people struggle with self-doubt, self-recriminations and self-criticism. Those who are harsh with themselves use self abusive talk, as if hitting themselves with a stick, and then wonder why they lack patience with others. With any change it is clear that one must start with self. Many of the clients I work with understand that they are too harsh with themselves, but it has become so habitual they find it difficult to stop.

The famous actress Sophia Loren has been recently interviewed and at seventy-five years old she is still beautiful. She has been one of the most successful people in her field for almost fifty years and knows that she has “made it”--yet she admits to struggling with problems and internal conflict for most of her life. When she finds that she is having trouble with her thoughts and feels down she attempts to get out of it by doing something that makes her happy. This is a very good place to start and I have written numerous times of the importance of making lists of things one enjoys doing or think they would have interest in doing. I have also encouraged the use of enjoyable activities such as drawing, gardening, etc., as the basis for a “Doing Meditation” that one can do for fifteen minutes everyday.

It is important to note that we were taught “love” as infants and young children by how we were loved. Obviously this affects the way we value and feel about ourselves as adults, which often is quite lacking. Therefore, I wish to present the following exercise that I have been taught and tried, and that I have in turn taught to clients. It is an exercise utilizing “time” in a flexible manner and in sending love to self. It is also a great way to start your day, as in “getting out on the right side of the bed”. This is an exercise that anyone can do and it is also quite enjoyable:

Upon waking, and right there in bed if you choose to, let us say, it is 7 a.m. Notice the area in and around your heart and know that love is there. Now for a couple of seconds or so send love to yourself in the future--so send to 8 a.m., then send to 9 a.m. and then 10 a.m. and so on until whenever your bedtime is. This should only take several minutes and is done all at one time in the morning. Notice how this sending makes you feel. You may send to the half hour if you so prefer.

Now, as always this is something you may e-mail me about because some misinterpret the instructions (you can find my e-mail address in my profile). I have had some people think that they need to remember to send love every hour on the hour; no, it is done just one time in the morning. Again, with a little bit of practice you will find this exercise enjoyable and soothing; you may even feel a little lift during the day. It is also important as a metaphor and message to yourself that you deserve love.

In a very real sense sending yourself love is the gift that keeps on giving and enables you to open your heart to others.

Frank Nichols, LCSW, is a Social Worker, Speaker and Consultant who in addition to individual and couples counseling combines psychotherapy with meditative practices.

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