All of us “scream” at our children. The “scream” in best selling author Hal Runkel’s book ScreamFree Parenting refers to all of the ways we react emotionally to them. We want so much for our children and we are passionate about it! The problem comes when our passion turns into anxiety or worry or a need to control. When we worry we overdo it with our kids and they begin to feel it. When children feel controlled they do one of two things: they either comply or defy. Most parents don’t really want either of these choices for their kids. What most parents want is to raise children to be adults who know and pursue what they want in life, who gladly seek counsel from others but ultimately make up their own minds, who gladly and quickly take responsibility for their own decisions, who take care of themselves in order to be available to others. Most parents want good relationships with their children and realize that reacting to them emotionally is not getting the desired behavioral results, and is also hurting their relationship.

Hal Runkel, teaches parents that if they are not in control of themselves they cannot be in charge in their homes. He teaches us to take a pause between our kids’ misbehavior and our response – parenting with a pause. The pause is the most important thing we can do for our children. It lets them know we can be in control of ourselves even when they are not. It lets them know we are someone they can trust. It lets them know we are leaders they can rely upon when times get tough. When we pause we show them we are being led by our principles rather than our anxiety. Next time your child screams about not getting the snack they wanted or gets disrespectful with you or lies to you about their geometry exam, take a pause and ask yourself: What kind of parent do I really want to be in this moment and how do I start acting that way right this minute?

Miriam Bellamy, LMFT is a licensed marriage counselor and a Certified ScreamFree Leader. If you’d like more information about the ScreamFree Parenting book or the 6-week class series offered here at Play please call or email: miriambellamy@bellsouth.net or 404-932-9320.

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