At least once a week a client says to me “I really should…” or “Do you think I should...”

Every time I hear this I say, “Instead of what you think you should do, what do you want to do?” The client is almost always surprised by my response.

That’s because we have grown so accustomed to thinking about what we “should” say or do that we have lost sight of what we really want, of the things that make us happy. When making a decision, most of us respond with the automatic “should” so often that we don’t even consider our own needs.

Shoulds are borne from external expectations and social obligations, often having little in common with our genuine desires (example: “I really should call my sister more often.”). Not only are we behaving insincerely, we are rarely happy with the outcome of our words or deeds since we have sublimated our wishes.

Family and friends most likely provided us with “shoulds” as a way to shame us into acting a certain way. After so many years of hearing from others what we should do and say (and shouldn’t do and say), many of us are now experts at shoulding ourselves. We have internalized the once-external.

When we behave as we think we should, it is often because we feel guilty, or we’re trying to please or appease others.

Here is a recent example: A 26-year-old client of mine who has been considering breaking up with her boyfriend told me she “should” stay with him because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. She has so much anxiety about this that she is sleeping less and her work performance has suffered. So, in trying to protect her boyfriend’s feelings, she has sacrificed her own.

Shoulds can also be used as moral judgments of ourselves and others.

When we say things like “I shouldn’t have said that” or “I should have done better”, we are making a moral judgment about ourselves. Naturally, these comments typically precede a negative feeling about ourselves and an equally negative self-statement. So, it can be a slippery slope from “I should have minded my own business” to “God, I’m such an idiot.”

It’s important to remember that just because you make a mistake, like getting a speeding ticket or burning the pot roast, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It simply means you’re fallible, human. Look at the factual circumstances in each case and focus on changing what you can.

Other times we make moral judgments of others: “You shouldn’t talk so loudly” or “He shouldn’t smoke so much.” These are seen as demands and absolutes. In essence, we are telling others what to do, which invariably leads to arguments about who is right or wrong. Nothing constructive can come from this. Instead, try using an “I” statement, such as “I’d really appreciate it if you dropped your voice a little.”

The word “should” is harmful to ourselves and others. It is insincere when applied to ourselves and judgmental when adapted to others. Instead, start thinking about what you really want – from yourself and others – and you will find happiness around the corner.

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