Most people I see in my practice are yearning for the intimacy of a safe, warm relationship, but are unsure of how to achieve it. Many of them find themselves sabotaging themselves—either subtly or blatantly—in their attempts to get close to a partner or, when they have found a partner, they find themselves indulging in behavior guaranteed to alienate the other person.

What’s the Problem?

The problem is that it is normal to seek the familiar. In many cases, when we seek intimacy we unconsciously repeat patterns in which the early love relationships were infused with negative messages: "You’re bad," "You’re stupid," "You’re the wrong sex," "You’re a burden to me," etc. These messages get internalized and then either projected onto the partner via identification with a critical parent (or sibling) or re-experienced as if the partner were the critical person in their past. Either way, the result is both distancing and alienating.

What’s the Solution?

I have found that sorting out the messages we are sending and receiving is essential to understanding and modifying the self-defeating behavior that prevents a satisfying intimacy in relationships. Individual psychotherapy can help you to do this. So can group therapy, in which you examine your interpersonal behavior in a safe environment with peers who are also there to learn and grow and who can help you achieve the persona you want to project to others.

If you have found a partner but are having difficulty maintaining a comfortable relationship, couples counseling can help you decide whether this relationship can meet your needs, and if so, how to maintain healthy boundaries and an equitable give-and-take.

Self-examination via therapy is not always an easy step to take. It requires an investment of time, money and emotional energy, as well as the patience to stay with it until your desired goals are reached. But when it works, therapy changes your life in ways that will help you reach and enjoy a safe, comfortable intimacy in all your relationships. I have many years of experience in helping others like you to do just that.