Have you ever wondered how a couple can be so “in love” and have their marriage fail miserably--and yet hear of an arranged marriage, involving a couple who had never previously met, be incredibly successful, including their experience of falling in love? Let us go through the stages of “love relationships” and see if we can make sense of things and, along the way, relate some concepts that may be helpful.

Early Chemistry

Clearly, people they can relate all the many ways and degrees of chemistry they
have experienced in their relationships, from lighting bolt, to slow burn. to even disliking the person, or to feeling no chemistry at all. While these experiences may later be retold in terms of the mythos of the relationship, chemistry by itself has very little to do with the success of a relationship or marriage. This earliest stage of relationship or acquaintanceship is by far the least complicated, even though neither party is even vaguely in reality. Both bring their own separate
sets of belief systems and expectations, much of which may not be overly conscious, and certainly neither party broaches the subject of why they are entering the relationship in the first place. This is very much a honeymoon period, with both sides clearly putting their best foot forward and revealing almost nothing of what they are really about. Many people enjoy and are enamored with the manic aspects of attraction, sexual attraction and idealization that occurs and become serial daters, or go from affair to affair.

Transition into a Love Friendship

We now begin to move along from acquaintanceship within a love relationship into friendship within a love relationship. This is even more complicated! Both sides are still keeping secrets,
basically because of fear. These secrets go to the heart of what each individual believes about themselves. Am I worth being in a loving relationship? Will someone really love me? Does the other have what I need even if what I believe I need is highly unrealistic? Now, idealization begins to wear off and expectations become evident sometimes rearing an ugly head. One can
think of the recent beer commercial where the woman is asking the man would he save her or his dog? How about her or his mother; only to lose his affection to a lite beer. Slowly, one side begins to reveal aspects of themselves hoping the other responds well to them and begins to lower
their own mask. This happens in very small doses as both sides fear exposure and getting hurt. This is where most relationships end because, “My god I don’t even know you and you are not what I thought you were!”

Side Issues

There are also many side issues such as family, friends, religion, money, desires around children, all of which make relationships all the more complicated. Sexuality and sexual attraction is always an issue and as important as it may be should always be kept as a side issue least everything becomes too confusing and complicated. One often confuses attraction with real love. Sex can be intoxicating and having had sex can be confused as creating a bond. This is not a good bond to base an entire life on! Sexuality is often used as a metaphor for compatibility and what one is or is not getting from the relationship. The idea that I am trying to stress here is not that sex or any number of side issues are not important but rather that one use the idea of friendship within a love relationship as a guide. Is your lover a true friend? Do they have your back? Do they balance their own interests with yours? Are you a true friend?

True Love, True Friendship

Now, if our couple has gotten past their fear of exposure and the defense mechanisms,they relax and allow their deepest feelings to come forth. Yet this is complicated by the fact that these feelings are often ignored or pushed down because trust is only now really forming. It is at this time that a system of love and faith in each other begins to develop which is even more complicated! Each side must survive the inevitable hurts inflicted by differing interests and perspectives. Fuller and more open communication is necessary, along with the acceptance that in reality nothing and no one is perfect. Creating true love that is true friendship is complicated, but isn’t it worth it?

Frank Nichols, LCSW, is a Social Worker, Speaker and Consultant who in addition to individual and couples counseling combines psychotherapy with meditative practices.

Click Here to learn more about Frank Nichols, LCSW