Finding True Love
The successful quest for love frequently involves a rigorous honesty with ourselves, an honesty that will provide an in-depth answer to the question: "what will make me really happy," rather than simply "what do I want." Unfortunately, it is often the case that what we want will not really make us happy. Look at all the Hollywood stars, the Olympic champions, the CEOs, the lottery jackpot winners who’ve achieved what they wanted, only to find that what they thought they wanted didn’t bring them their true desire, a contented sense of happiness. Often this is because ideas of what we need to find to make us happy are formulated in childhood or adolescence. Needless to say, a child or an adolescent has little idea of what would make the adult version of him/herself happy.
Examine your old ideas about what kind of person you want to love you. If the adjectives that describe that person are relatively concrete ones that can be measured somewhat quantitatively (like "beautiful," "rich," "tall," or even "famous"), chances are you’re dealing with attributes that became valued early in life, at a relatively immature stage. These attributes, while enviable, will probably not, in and of themselves, lead you to contented happiness. "Fuzzier" (i.e. more qualitative) attributes like "kind," "funny," "supportive" or "caring" become valued more as we mature, and hence are more likely to lead to adult contented happiness.
Of course, in the super-charged, Red Bull-fueled world of 2006, the ability to make snap decisions is prized (after all, the faster we can make a decision the more productive/efficient we can be). And quantitative attributes can be more quickly evaluated than qualitative ones. But the search for love shouldn’t be judged on its efficiency, but rather on its ultimate outcome.
Three suggestions for improving the odds of a successful outcome:
1) Cultivate the patience required to make more discerning relationship choices by instituting a daily 10 minute meditation practice (you’d be surprised how impatient you can become waiting for the 10 minute mark to be hit). Or start to train yourself to be more calm when waiting in line at the supermarket or caught in traffic. Patient exploration of your own values, and the values of your potential partners, are more likely to lead to successful relationships.
2) Pray for and/or visualize CONTENTED HAPPINESS, rather than a specific kind of person or situation. Then meditate on, or simply formulate, some steps you might take to bring more contented happiness into your life. When have you felt that kind of happiness before? What were some of the things that contributed to it?
3) Work on being more giving. The old cliché about being most likely to find love when we’re not looking for it has great validity, but only in this sense: we’re most apt to find love when we’re not seeking to TAKE from another, but to GIVE. Taking occurs when we feel an emptiness inside that we think a relationship can fill. The truth is no relationship can fill a serious emptiness for very long. What can truly fill the emptiness must begin within yourself. Ask yourself the question "what need am I looking for someone else to fill that I could start filling myself" (or through my own actions, rather than waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to initiate those actions for you).
Lonely? Reach out to an old friend.
Feeling unloved? Do something loving for yourself (cook yourself a special meal, take a scented bath, turn on your favorite CD).
Once that emptiness inside begins to be filled, it becomes easier and easier, and more and more natural, to give. And, let’s face it, who would you rather be around, a giver or a taker?
About Jim Weinstein...
Jim Weinstein, MBA, MFT, is a life consultant and therapist based in Washington, D.C., with a secondary practice in Beverly Hills, CA, specializing in career counseling, mid-life issues, spiritual counseling, gay and lesbian issues, and more.
Click Here to learn more about Jim Weinstein.
Examine your old ideas about what kind of person you want to love you. If the adjectives that describe that person are relatively concrete ones that can be measured somewhat quantitatively (like "beautiful," "rich," "tall," or even "famous"), chances are you’re dealing with attributes that became valued early in life, at a relatively immature stage. These attributes, while enviable, will probably not, in and of themselves, lead you to contented happiness. "Fuzzier" (i.e. more qualitative) attributes like "kind," "funny," "supportive" or "caring" become valued more as we mature, and hence are more likely to lead to adult contented happiness.
Of course, in the super-charged, Red Bull-fueled world of 2006, the ability to make snap decisions is prized (after all, the faster we can make a decision the more productive/efficient we can be). And quantitative attributes can be more quickly evaluated than qualitative ones. But the search for love shouldn’t be judged on its efficiency, but rather on its ultimate outcome.
Three suggestions for improving the odds of a successful outcome:
1) Cultivate the patience required to make more discerning relationship choices by instituting a daily 10 minute meditation practice (you’d be surprised how impatient you can become waiting for the 10 minute mark to be hit). Or start to train yourself to be more calm when waiting in line at the supermarket or caught in traffic. Patient exploration of your own values, and the values of your potential partners, are more likely to lead to successful relationships.
2) Pray for and/or visualize CONTENTED HAPPINESS, rather than a specific kind of person or situation. Then meditate on, or simply formulate, some steps you might take to bring more contented happiness into your life. When have you felt that kind of happiness before? What were some of the things that contributed to it?
3) Work on being more giving. The old cliché about being most likely to find love when we’re not looking for it has great validity, but only in this sense: we’re most apt to find love when we’re not seeking to TAKE from another, but to GIVE. Taking occurs when we feel an emptiness inside that we think a relationship can fill. The truth is no relationship can fill a serious emptiness for very long. What can truly fill the emptiness must begin within yourself. Ask yourself the question "what need am I looking for someone else to fill that I could start filling myself" (or through my own actions, rather than waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to initiate those actions for you).
Lonely? Reach out to an old friend.
Feeling unloved? Do something loving for yourself (cook yourself a special meal, take a scented bath, turn on your favorite CD).
Once that emptiness inside begins to be filled, it becomes easier and easier, and more and more natural, to give. And, let’s face it, who would you rather be around, a giver or a taker?
About Jim Weinstein...
Jim Weinstein, MBA, MFT, is a life consultant and therapist based in Washington, D.C., with a secondary practice in Beverly Hills, CA, specializing in career counseling, mid-life issues, spiritual counseling, gay and lesbian issues, and more.
Click Here to learn more about Jim Weinstein.
