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» Life Topics » Family & Relationships » Featured Columns
Getting a Loved One to Change
By: Jim Weinstein, MBA, MFT
Sometimes, the people we care most deeply about (children, spouses,
siblings, parents, or friends) engage in behavior that seems self-destructive or inappropriate, whether it be abusing drugs or alcohol, holding on to anger, depression, or grief for too long, or even engaging in unethical behavior (e.g., sexual or financial). It can often be difficult to resist the temptation to (lovingly) point out just where the person in question is going astray. After all, isn't that the best way to get them to change?
The truth is that people are rarely unaware of the negative consequences of their behavior. It's far more likely that either they see no alternative to that behavior, or that they're using it to cover up/compensate for feelings of fear, shame, guilt, anger, or jealousy. Therefore, a lecture (no matter how well-intentioned or gently delivered) is unlikely to help them to change.
What is far more likely to help is giving them the opportunity to freely express what they're thinking and feeling, without advice or correction (unless it's asked for). And waiting for THEM to raise the subject, rather than you bringing it up.
Listen as openly as you can. If the problem seems serious, encourage the person to seek professional help. But above all, avoid a speech about what YOU would do in their shoes. You're not in them.
About Jim Weinstein...
Jim Weinstein, MBA, MFT, is a life consultant and therapist based in Washington, D.C., with a secondary practice in Beverly Hills, CA, specializing in career counseling, mid-life issues, spiritual counseling, gay and lesbian issues, and more.
Click Here to learn more about Jim Weinstein.
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