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Understanding the Need to Say "NO" to Your Children
By: Jill MacDonald, MA, LPC
I don’t know anyone who would say they enjoy hearing the word “NO.” And children especially dislike it. However, as a therapist and parent I know that saying (and hearing) “no” is a vital and positive part of our lives. Some would say it’s just a fact of life that we all have to deal with. That may be true – but that’s not what I’m saying. Saying “no” at the appropriate time is a primary aspect of teaching our children to be motivated, centered, appreciative, happy human beings. Wondering where I’m going with this? Well, let me fill you in!
It’s an understatement to say that we’re living in an overindulgent society. To many, MORE is always better. However, if this is true then there will never be enough – because someone will always have more than you do. So the combination of our material-obsessed society and two generations of parents that overcompensate by giving their children material things rather than time means that children are being robbed of the opportunity to develop motivation and drive in their own lives. Instead they grow up over-valuing things – but lack the drive to work for those things – yet feel entitled to them and even expect things should come easily. Our society is raising children who will grow up missing the primary qualities that make a successful human being – determination and patience.
So, how do we help our children? You begin by saying no. you start to understand that saying no is a tool. You learn that when you say no – you’re teaching your child something. You learn to say no in a non-punishing manner. You take the time to think through your answers, while keeping your focus on the life lesson at hand. Our role as parents is to raise our children to be happy, successful, contributing members of society. Therefore, teaching them to handle hearing “no” – and to understand the lesson behind it – is key.
Too many parents take the easy road and say yes for instant gratification. It gets the child off their back; quiets them down; shuts them up. But let’s think about the damage done from that choice. The kids see your own lack of patience. Therefore, they don’t learn to appreciate what they have, they can become spoiled, and they learn to manipulate in order to get what they want. And later on – they lack the drive and motivation to work for what they want because they feel entitled to it.
Take a few minutes to think about how you handle saying no to your children (or grandchildren). Take stock in the values you hold dear and want to teach them, and ask yourself if you’re working toward that goal. Learn to talk to your children and explain why you’re saying no (that it’s not a punishment) – and what you are trying to teach them from it.
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