» Life Topics » Coping With Crisis
Anger and Change
By: Denise O'Doherty, LPC, MSN, LMFT, LCDC
Webster’s dictionary defines anger as a strong emotion of displeasure and belligerence. Anger often comes from the perception of being treated unfairly or being forced into accepting loss or change without our consent. Short term anger is transitory and can be a positive force if it pushes us to addressing the reality of our situation. Long term anger can be physically and mentally toxic; it clouds our judgment, reduces effective communication, increases stress and generally leads to a breakdown in relationships and our ability to maintain intimacy.
Anger is usually aroused by a real or supposed wrong, such as injury or injustice, and is often accompanied by an impulse to retaliate. We become angry when we don’t get our own way, when we feel threatened, or when someone or something doesn’t honor a value or belief that is important to us.
But the fact is that we don’t always get our own way. We live in a changing world where everyone doesn’t always think like us, nor do they honor our values and beliefs. Anger, therefore, can become a part of life. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but healthy people choose to seek out solutions so that their anger doesn’t control them. It is what we do with our anger that counts. Although we need not dwell in it or seek it out, it would be wise not to ignore it. What we run from usually ends up running us.
So, how do you manage your anger? Do you retaliate by lashing out at others taking the “I don’t get mad, I get even” approach, adding drama to the situation and making it worse? Do you hold everything inside (get depressed/ physically sick), becoming victimized or paralyzed? Do you stuff your anger until you blow up? Are you passive- aggressive, not really saying what you mean but using hurtful comments through sarcasm and criticism to make a point in an indirect manner? Do you get stuck in the blame game, scape-goating others in order to avoid taking responsibility for your own situation?
All these are self-sabotaging responses that ironically only add to the powerlessness triggered by the initial event.
When our anger gets triggered, we need to think and act - not react - and always remember that we have choices. We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can always choose how we’re going to react to what happens to us. In this way, we’re seldom powerless. Then ask: “What is the message I’m getting from this person or event that feels threatening to me?” “What is the value I have that is being challenged?” “What are my choices and what can I do about them?”
Keep in mind that what we’re against weakens us, but what we are for empowers us. Channel your anger for your greater good. Let it help you identify your values and support you to seek out solutions for your best interest, as well as that of your loved ones and others in your community.
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