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Talking About Adoption
By: Maxine B. Rosenberg, LCSW
One of the first questions adoptive parents ask, is, "What do I tell my children about adoption, and when do I tell it?"
In the past, it was common for parents to keep adoption a secret from their children. Numbers of adoptees reached adulthood only to find out from strangers, or on their own, that the parents who raised them were not their biologic mothers and fathers. Today the pendulum has swung in the other direction, especially with the increase in international adoptions where parents and children are racially different. Rather than risk having their children learn of their beginnings from outsiders, many adoptive parents are providing the information early on.
It is acknowledged by many professionals that before ages six or seven children do not understand what conception and birth are about and cannot possibly comprehend the full meaning of adoption. While this may be true, it can still be beneficial to introduce young children to stories about how their families were created. What is most important is that the parents feel comfortable imparting the information and tell the stories in simple language.
For example, a mom, bathing her one year old, can say now and then, "I’m so glad we adopted you," or "The day you were adopted was one of the happiest of my life."
If the mom is smiling when she says the words and her tone is gentle and loving, the child will associate the word "adoption" with something positive. The same holds true when parents read young children books on adoption or share together photo albums, lifebooks, or scrapbooks that record how the family was formed.
The goal is to create a safe, comfortable environment for the children, so that at each age and stage they will feel free to ask their parents questions about how they came to their family. At the same time, parents will become more relaxed telling the adoption story and better able to embellish it and answer more complex questions as their children get older.
Talking about adoption is an ongoing process that is similar to building a house. First the foundation is set, then comes the rest, bit by bit, until a solid structure is created.
Click Here to learn more about Maxine B. Rosenberg, LCSW.
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