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Surviving Loss, Grief, and Trauma
By: Grant Kono, LCSW
If you have experienced a great loss in your life, I want to express my sincere sadness and sympathies that you have to endure the traumas associated with the experience. Whether you experienced the traumas first-hand or second-hand, they can still be very difficult to handle.
Traumatic Experiences:
We all know what traumatic experiences are, and the vast majority of us have survived at least one traumatic experience in our lives. No one can tell another person what a traumatic experience should look like, or what that person should or should not be feeling or thinking about the experience. The simple fact is that if you are having strong thoughts and/or feelings about an experience, then you have been traumatized to some extent by the experience. If you are not experiencing these thoughts and/or feelings then you may not have been traumatized by the event.
However, if you are not having thoughts and/or feelings about an event that might normally be considered traumatizing, you may currently be in shock and may have these thoughts and/or feelings later. We don’t have to be a victim, or even a witness, to be traumatized by an event. If you find that you are dealing with feelings about this trauma don’t be alarmed or feel that you have missed something. Your mind is simply waiting for a time when you might be more ready to process it. When it does come up it will tend to feel like it just happened and you will have the opportunity to deal with the issues then.
Typical symptoms of Survivors of Trauma:
• Numbness physically and/or emotionally. This is the body’s way of protecting itself from being overloaded by the experience
• Feeling separated from the mind or body
• Feeling detached from others
• "Fogginess" of the mind and forgetfulness
• Sleep disturbance, either more or less than usual
• Eating disturbance, either more or less than usual
• Becoming more withdrawn, losing a desire to engage in once-pleasurable activities
• Fits of anger, depression, anxiety, shame/guilt
• Obsessive thoughts around the event
• Nightmares
• Attempts to avoid thoughts of the event and/or attempts to avoid situations/places that remind the person of the event.
• Developing addictions such as drinking in order to avoid or numb thoughts/feelings of the event
• Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, uselessness
I’m Feeling Traumatized. What do I do?
It’s important to know that we all react to feelings of trauma differently. When one person needs to talk about the experience, another needs to put it behind him/her and will try to stay busy until the experience has less charge and becomes easier to deal with. Others may not even experience trauma from the event. If you are experiencing feelings of stress then it is good to admit that. If another person beside you is not, then that is just as good.
During times of trauma we all act differently than we would if we were not experiencing this. It is a time for you to be more forgiving of thoughts, feelings, and actions that you take while in this mode that you might not normally take. Whether or not these things are actually helping you to deal with the experience, they are attempting to help and protect you during this time. It is a time to acknowledge that your mind and body are in a mode that is designed to protect yourself and/or others, and as you feel safer and safer, you will gradually move out of this mode and into the normal mode that you live your life in.
The duration of being in this protective mode can vary widely from person to person. It might take a few weeks for one person while it might take a number of months for another. But you will eventually resolve the trauma to some extent and once again feel that your life has gone back to normal. During the time of feeling trauma one person might relive the experience almost constantly while another may only have nightmares or experience some light insomnia.
The important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself during this time and that as your psyche processes the experience and becomes more comfortable you too will become more comfortable and your life will gradually take on a feeling of normalcy again.
The Five Stages of Grief:
There has been quite a bit of discussion, articles, and books on these five stages. My current belief is that we tend to go through all of them when we experience any major feelings of stress. However they are linked with grief because the theory arose around this issue. A person doesn’t have to experience the stages in the order given, however the final stage is always acceptance. A person can go back and re-experience any of the previous stages. These stages are:
• Shock/Denial. This is considered the first stage because it is almost always the first way that we deal with trauma, especially major trauma. It’s kind of like the mind saying to itself, “If I don’t believe it happened then it really didn’t.” In extreme cases the mind actually blocks out the memory of the event. The suppression of feelings is always associated with this stage and there can be a sense of feeling numb or somewhat separated from the body.
• Bargaining. Once the shock of the event has worn off the person often looks for some way that the event could have been avoided or to avoid being associated with the event. The stage was originally called “Bargaining” because the creator of the theory was working with people who had a terminal illness and would try to bargain with their doctor or God to help them avoid the natural conclusion of their illness. During this stage there can be an attempt to rationalize or intellectualize the event. Often the person will look for a scapegoat to blame it on.
• Anger. This stage needs little explanation except to say that the anger is often generalized to friends and family who might have little or nothing to do with the event. This seems to be more so when there is no specific person to blame for the cause of the trauma. Since the anger will come up regardless of whether there is someone to blame or not, a person may seek someone to blame for their angry feelings who may not even be associated with the event. Issues might be blown out of proportion or even fabricated in order to vent feelings that the person might feel have no justification for coming out otherwise.
• Depression. This can be a dangerous time during the process of grief if the feelings are intense, since a very depressed person may try to hurt him/herself. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, be sure to let someone know and get the appropriate care as soon as possible. This is the time when the person has given up beliefs that the situation could or would somehow be anything other than what it is.
• Acceptance. This is the final stage, although a person can go back to any of the other stages. This is when the person is able to acknowledge that the event will happen or did happen, that it isn’t a good or bad thing, and that the person isn’t a good or bad person for experiencing it. It can be a very painful and difficult place to get to but is always an acknowledgment of great personal growth once achieved. It’s easy to know when you are there because there is a sense of calm and peace that you begin to feel.
What Types of Things Can I do to Make Myself Feel Better?
The main thing to do is to honor what your mind and body are wanting you to do, within reason. If you feel you should be more cautious when you drive then honor that feeling and drive more cautiously. If you feel you should drive less until you feel more confident, then honor that feeling.
Times like these tend to push us to do things that make us feel more connected to others, e.g., spending more time with friends and family, going to church more often, spending more time at work. All these can make us feel more supported and less isolated by the experience.
As you think of activities that you might want to do they will fall into one of two categories. If you are not ready to deal with the thoughts/feelings coming up, or prefer not to, then you might engage in coping behaviors. Some of these are:
• Activities that will occupy your mind and/or body to give you as little time to think about the situation as possible.
• Considering ways that you already cope with situations and involving yourself in them or seeking to make them more effective.
If you prefer to process the situation, these are some of the activities that may help:
• Talking to others about the experience.
• Keeping a diary or journal about your thoughts/feelings around the experience.
• Taking personal time to reflect and think about the impact of the experience on your life and others’ life.
• Seeking professional help through a priest, pastor, or psychotherapist.
• Seeking meaningful, symbolic activities that honor those involved in the trauma and/or honor your thoughts/feelings around the event.
My Symptoms are Affecting my Ability to Function Normally. What Further Steps can I Take?
If you have tried a few of the steps above and feel that you are still having difficulties or prefer to me more aggressive in addressing the issues, there are a few things you can do:
• Consult your physician to see whether you might be a candidate for medication. In cases where the person has suffered a traumatic experience, the use of medication is usually not long-term, but may help in dealing with overwhelming emotions that might come up immediately. A cautionary note: The use of medication does not necessarily help in addressing the thoughts and emotions that may come up around the event. Instead they will likely help to suppress those thoughts and feelings, which may indirectly help to process them by turning down the volume, so to speak.
• Go into counseling or psychotherapy. Finding someone trained to help you process the thoughts and feelings that arise and come to terms with them can be invaluable. Often these experiences will trigger earlier experiences, and this can be a good time to address these issues as well. Your EAP program should have a list of psychotherapists in your area. Also, most pastors, ministers, priests, rabbis are trained in pastoral counseling.
• Find a support group where you can discuss your experience with others who have survived similar experiences.
• Do not be afraid to seek help. Others cannot lend support if they do not know what you are going through.
These thoughts and ideas are not meant to be an end-all for answers to questions that you may have. Instead, they are meant to answer common questions, provide you with some sense of comfort in understanding the process of grief and trauma, and give you ideas on what to do and where to go if you desire assistance in dealing with this or other similar issues.
If you have recently experienced a major loss, I wish you well. Above all, please remember to be gentle with yourself and to honor any thoughts and feelings that may arise, especially fear, during this time. They are trying to protect you as best they can.
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