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Helping Kids Cope With Traumatic Events
By: Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.
Over the last 15 years, Dr. Bruce Perry has worked with hundreds of children and their families whose lives have been shattered by tragedy. His experience has taught him a great deal about resilience, courage and the tremendous challenges of maintaining and restoring normal life following catastrophic personal trauma. If you are the parent or caregiver of a child who has recently experienced or been exposed to a traumatic occurrence, Dr. Perry offers the following suggestions for helping the child appropriately process the new information, explore ways to cope, and ultimately to feel reassured that the grown-ups in their life are are there for them:
1. Don’t be afraid to talk with your child about the traumatic event(s)
Be open, honest, clear and accurate. Children do not benefit from "not thinking about it" or "putting it out of their minds." It is important, however, how you talk about this. Your children will hear some of your conversations with friends, family and your spouse. They may be hearing some of what is on the news because you have on the TV. It is important to make sure that you talk with your child. You should be the healthy filter of information for your child.
2. Find out what your child thinks and feels
An important first step in talking with your child is to find out what they have heard and how they feel about that. Young children often make false assumptions about the causes of major events. Often these distortions will magnify his or her sense of fear and make your child more likely to have persisting emotional or behavioural problems. Correct their misperceptions with simple, age-appropriate explanations.
3. Take your child’s lead on when, what and how much to say
After you have some sense of what your child knows and how they feel, gauge your answers to their concerns. You do not need to be too detailed or comprehensive. In fact, you may find that the child just acts disinterested or seems to ignore what you are saying. If you let the child control when you discuss this--directed by their questions--you will find that you will have many, many short discussions and not one "big" talk. These little discussions make it easier for the child to digest this huge emotional meal.
4. Don’t feel that you have to have all the answers
Some aspects of disturbing world events remain beyond understanding. You can explain that there are some things you just don’t know or understand--and that sometimes we will never know why some things happen. If your child sees that you struggle to make sense of this, their own struggle to do so becomes easier. And when they see you continue to be a solid and caring parent--even when you don’t have all the answers--they'll actually feel safer. The unknown becomes a less frightening thing.
5. Reassure your child
Your child may have increased fears about their own personal safety, as well as increased anxiety about the safety of the grown-ups in their life whom they love and depend upon. While many traumatic occurrences happen unexpectedly and it's often difficult to imagine what if any protective measures could have been taken, this is a good opportunity to reassure your child about the many things that can and are done on a daily basis to avoid danger and ensure safety, e.g., using seatbelts, looking before crossing streets, following instructions.
6. Limit your child’s exposure to media coverage
Watching televised images of catastrophic events over and over doesn't help your child. In fact, it may make this worse for them. Media coverage can be both inappropriate and highly confusing for children age six and under. If your child does watch the news, watch it with them and then discuss it. Ultimately, the goal is to decrease the traumatic power of images of the traumatic occurrence and that's very difficult when the images permeate the media.
7. Reinforce normal patterns of activity at home
It is helpful to keep routines. The sooner there is a familiar structure and predictability to your child’s life, the sooner she or he will feel safe.
8. Anticipate some "regressive" behaviours following traumatic events
When children feel overwhelmed, confused, sad or fearful, they will often "regress." And so do adults. You may see a variety of symptoms in your child, including include anxiety (or fearfulness), sadness, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems, and/or increased impulsivity or aggression. These symptoms are usually short-term (days or weeks) and tend to resolve with reassurance, patience and nurturing. When children feel safe, they will be most likely start to "act their age."
9. Some children will be more vulnerable than others
Not all children will react to these events in the same way. Some children may seem disinterested and no changes in their behaviours will be noticed. Other children may have profound symptoms that seem out of proportion to their real connection to these events. We cannot predict how a given child will react but we do know that children with pre-existing mental health or behavioural problems are more likely to show symptoms. We also know that the closer a child is to the actual traumatic event (i.e., if a loved one or family friend was injured or killed) the more severe and persisting the symptoms will be.
10. Your reactions will influence your child’s reactions
Your child will sense emotionally intensity around them and will mirror your emotional responses and interpretations. Younger child will try to please you--sometimes by avoiding expressing their own emotions if they sense that it may upset you. Try to gauge your own sense of discomfort and directly address this with the child. It is reassuring to children to know they are not alone in some of their emotional upset. Make sure they hear, many times, that even though it may be upsetting it is still important to share feelings and thoughts with each other.
11. Don’t hesitate to get more advice and help
If you feel overwhelmed, or if you see persisting problems with your child, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Seeking the advice of a therapist can help answer your questions and help you get the services your child needs.
Link: Find a Therapist
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