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Help! I am going through a divorce...How can I help my children deal with this?
By: Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW
As we all know, divorce is increasingly common these days. Unfortunately, quite often, children are caught in the middle. This is probably the most devastating aspect of the divorce process. This article discusses ways that couples going through a divorce in which children are involved can work together to safeguard the emotional welfare of their children and make the process less damaging. Breaking up a relationship with children involved is that much harder, and frankly, even with a lot of effort it is not going to be a lot easier. However, the less dramatic, hostile, and negative the home environment or living experience is for the children, the less emotional damage you will have to deal with later on.
Seven things to do to make it easier on your children:
1. The number one to do is! Make sure you tell your children that you are divorcing or separating together; emphasis on the word together, telling your children about your decision to divorce together has the psychological effect of making it seem less devastating and more like mom and dad are still friends. When the children are informed separately or worse still find out on their own, it makes it seem even more of a hostile process and is more emotionally devastating for them. This sounds simple enough, but quite often couples hate each other so much that they are reluctant to put their feelings for each other aside just so they can do what is best for their children.
2. As appropriate, please, explain to your children what happens when there is a divorce. Often, children do not understand what divorce means and as the process unfolds they may become increasingly anxious. In addition, children worry a lot when changes occur in the family. Consequently, it is a good idea to prepare them very early. It is common in mental health practice to see anxiety type disorders, behavior problems, academic issues, or regression type behaviors surface in children whose parents are either going through, or recovering from a divorce. Often times such disorders could have been prevented if both parents had worked together to reduce the anxiety caused by the changes in the family. Sounds simple enough, but going through divorce can get so messy and tough that parents often forget to do damage control with their children.
3. Increase your 1:1 time with your child during this time. This way you get to know how your child is really dealing with the divorce and changes in the family. Do things together that can generate conversation, thematic board games, reading, playing in the park… Activities that are likely to generate conversation are preferable. Often times, parents going through a divorce will say in reference to their children, “oh! they handled it so well; they never said anything to indicate they were worried about the divorce”. The fact is children are usually so worried about offending the adults in the situation that they often will not say anything, especially, if they think dad or mom’s feelings might be hurt. It is your responsibility as the parent to draw the child out and take extra steps to know your child’s emotional state.
4. As you may well find out during this period, engaging in stress relief and self-soothing activities go a long way to aide in managing the negative emotions likely invoked by what is usually a very difficult experience. These activities could include increasing your social network, group memberships, having a self-care routine and engaging in regular exercise. Stress management is especially important during this time because it reduces the likelihood of taking out ones’ stress on the children, or worse still becoming abusive or neglectful. It is a fact that a stressful divorce and custody battle can often lead to problems with appropriate parenting. It is also vital to engage the child/children in activities that will help them manage whatever stress or anxieties they may be experiencing. Such activities may include, participating in after school activities, or other group type activities where they can make new friends, have fun experiences, engage in physical activity, and learn new skills.
5. Do your best not to cry on your children’s shoulders. Children need to have the psychological well-being that comes from being able to look up to their parents, or the adult caretakers in their lives. It really does not help your child psychologically to see you sad and broken hearted. So no matter how tempting it may be to show emotion, cry, and express your frustration to your kids; especially if they are older, you need to find an outlet elsewhere and present a front that lets your children know that you are there for them during this time. They are not going to come to you with their own frustrations if they see that you are having problems managing yours. Most children hate to see their parents sad.
6. Cultivate a habit of interacting respectfully and cordially with your soon to be ex-spouse; especially when your children are present. Bear this in mind, every time you yell, curse, and abuse each other your children are observing you. They are traumatized and confused each time this happens. Sure! it helps if you apologize to them later, but it would be much better if you just conduct yourselves appropriately when they are present or within earshot. If your soon to be ex-spouse’s behavior makes this impossible, then always elect to meet, or talk on the phone when the children cannot possibly overhear or observe how you treat and speak to each other.
7. If you are not very skilled in managing your emotions, coping with stress, or dealing with what can often be a long and frustrating process. It may be extremely difficult to follow these steps. Seeking the services of a licensed mental health and relationship specialist may be necessary. A mental health professional who specializes in relationship issues will work with you and your family on the following issues and offer you the therapeutic support you need to get through this period. Depending on how lengthy and hostile the divorce and custody process you are involved in is, it may not be a good idea to defer seeking professional help until after it is all over.
With a practice in three locations in Illinois - Deerfield, Waukegan, and Chicago - Claire has a background in social work with extensive experience in marriage and couples' therapy, as well as crisis intervention.</I.
Click Here to learn more about Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW.
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