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Life after the Affair
By: Miriam Bellamy, LMFT
“They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.” --Mahatma Gandhi
Every married couple wants to have a happy marriage. And every marriage is difficult. When an affair occurs, be it emotional or sexual or both, it places you and your marriage on an emotional roller coaster ride with no guarantees for anyone’s safety. One minute you may be feeling longing, warmth, or forgiveness for your partner and the next you may be feeling anger, deep sorrow, or suffocated and panicked. But the emotional reaction that occurs with the most relational teeth is a loss of self-respect. No matter how confident a person you may have thought yourself, you begin to question your worth. You begin to question your sexiness, your overall attractiveness, and whether your life of toil for the sake of the marriage has been a waste. The statement above by Gandhi – They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them – could sound like some spiritual platitude that really can only apply to others who aren’t experiencing the pain that you are right now. You have only to understand a few basics on the life of Gandhi to understand that this is not the case – that this statement is actually both coming from and meant for a person just like you who is struggling for justice, forgiveness, and the deepening of human connectedness.
Most books currently available on the topic of extra-marital affairs begin with empathy for the resolute spouse. Most of them not only begin with empathy but infuse every page with it. They describe on page after page that you have been traumatized and how that will explain the wild range of emotions you are experiencing. Well, YES! Of course you are feeling crazy with emotion! Of course you feel betrayed, devastated, and terrified of your world falling down around you. Your spouse just had an affair! Your spouse has just gotten an emotional stroking like no other while you are now questioning your very worth and the future of your relationship. Emotions are flying everywhere. But the personal revolution at hand won’t be taking place when you or other people or even books by the experts on the topic sympathize overly with you. Nor can it take place if you decide to stifle all emotion and self-reflection and pretend it didn’t happen. The personal altering begins by taking this first step: deciding that no matter what happens, you are going to grow from this. It’s a decision to see your spouse as a human being with only the powers of a human. He or she cannot control your destiny, your determination, or your dignity unless you give them permission. The truth is that when you start using this experience as an opportunity to grow, you stop hurting. You garner energy and strength from the experience. And when you stop hurting, your spouse can start. More on that later. Your journey can begin right now with this one decision.
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