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Dating: Some Unconscious Influences
By: Donald Mars, Ph.D.
The city offers a plethora of opportunities to meet people and form new relationships. However, meeting people and dating also encompasses a host of psychological issues which can interfere and cause havoc, as well as continual unhappiness and pain.
When singles feel like everyone else is in a relationship or they find themselves consistently being told by the people with whom they are attracted that only friendship, not romance is possible, then I wonder what is so threatening about the available and interested singles who are being set aside. And what about those individuals who only pursue relationships with people with whom they know are unavailable and then suffer as a result of their partner's unavailability.
If someone is threatened by emotional and/or physical intimacy or fearful of losing themselves in a meaningful relationship then I am not surprised when that person cannot find an "available" partner.
People who talk about wanting the so-called "Rules of Dating" are seeking an outside solution to resolve inner uncertainties. This anxiety is a reflection of a number of internal struggles, often including issues of low self esteem. Inherent in meeting people and dating is some self risk. We risk not being liked, accepted or desired.
Being rejected can be an overwhelming and paralyzing threat. The reality that no one is loved and desired by everyone is obvious but has little to no impact on the psyche. For some, the risk of rejection is too great and even devastating.
Unresolved psychological struggles (loneliness and depression) will interfere in a person's ability to meet, date and develop relationship(s) despite their conscious desire to do so. These struggles will continue to interfere until these issues are successfully addressed and resolved. Unfortunately these struggles don't get better over time. They will continue and repeat themselves and cause more pain. External changes really don't work. Changing your appearance may make you feel better for a while, but it will not last. Changes on the outside will not address and resolve the inner conflicts.
You need to look inward. You need to make the changes on the inside by resolving the inner struggles and conflicts. As you resolve the inner struggles enjoying the throbbing life found in our city becomes more possible. Invest in helping yourself. It will be the best most satisfying and important investment and journey you can ever make.
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