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Staying Connected and Focused on What Counts
By: Resa Fremed, Ed.D., LMFT
With the economy in a downturn, there's no doubt that many couples are concerned over their finances and how those issues may be affecting their relationship. A recent CNNMoney.com poll reported 84% percent of couples said they argue about money, but what happens when those arguments spill into the bedroom? How can couples relieve the stress in their love lives, especially when there's a financial crunch?
Communication is essential to managing conflicts both outside and in the bedroom, and when it comes to money. Couples should consider themselves as business partners and manage their joint finances logically rather than emotionally. The key factor is to discuss what mutually benefits them and have a plan to work on their finances, including investing, spending, and bill-paying.
But it's not all about the money.
The following tips can help to keep a couple connected and focused on what counts: the strength of their and the love in their relationship.
• To hone communication skills, plan to spend 30 minutes twice a week for "talk time" with your partner. Be prepared to plan an agenda in which both partners have a turn during the week to plan their talking points for their 30 minute session. If two separate sessions are not feasible, another option is set one hour once a week; each partner will be responsible for writing one half of the agenda. Set a mutually beneficial time without any interruptions from TV, computer and cell phones, and make sure the children are in bed. Prior to each session, both participants should take turns to write an agenda for the weekly talk session. Practice communicating with "I" messages, avoid blaming, and use active listening skills.
• Studies show that touch and massage reduces stress. Spend some time with your partner and each give the other a massage. We need touch for our emotional health. Turn on the TV or listen to some music and cuddle on the couch with your partner. Cuddling reduces stress by making us feel nourished, cared for, loved and protected. Make a commitment with your partner to touch each other during routine activities, such as when you are watching TV, in the car or in a restaurant, and hold hands when you are out for a stroll together or at the movies.
• Relax together as a couple. Agree to relax together daily for 10 minutes. Sit down together in a spot that feels comfortable to both of you. Do some deep relaxed type of breathing together. Breathing relaxes your body, oxygenates your blood and reduces the stress you feel. Intimacy and emotional support from your partner is a wonderful way to boost self confidence and reduce stress. A sexual relationship with your partner reduces stress by releasing feel good hormones (endorphins) and also takes your mind off your worries.
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