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Grieving Etiquette
By: Amie Harris, MSW
There are no magical formulas for grieving and mourning. Grieving is not something someone else can fix or change. A unique and personal experience cannot be measured or controlled. Concerned loved ones often
ask what they should do to make it better for the bereaved person. The sense of helplessness in watching someone weep, be depressed, or become listless creates a sense of powerlessness for the onlooker. However, it is very simple: people who are grieving do not need you to do anything other than just be there. Especially in the early weeks of loss, comfort can be found by volunteering to prepare a meal, baby-sitting, running an errand or just being present in the same house. It is important to remember not to assume what someone may want, but to ask questions and wait for an answer. People who are grieving appreciate others who respect their boundaries and understand their silences. In doing so, you avoid awkwardness and then both parties benefit.
Some people do need to isolate when they are grieving, but you can still ask if they want something. It takes at least six months after a death for the person who has had the loss to start making sense of their feelings. Grief therapists, like me, do not recommend support groups until the bereaved have had enough time to sort through their feelings of loss. Understanding your role to the person who is grieving and that your acts of kindness are enough will eliminate further trauma and pain. No one can fix someone else's grief.
Death and dying are scary and uncomfortable subjects. Oftentimes people make the mistake of telling those in mourning "to get over it" or "hasn't enough time gone by." We have losses and gains throughout our lifetime. Grief is a life-long process. According to the length of the relationship and intensity of the attachment, a person will grieve and mourn until the find acceptance and closure. If you are uncomfortable, that is something for you to try to gain insight into, not the person who has suffered a loss. The greatest support one can offer is simply their sincerity and empathy. People who are grieving do want to be asked every time you see them how they are doing with their loss. It is perfectly okay to talk about other things. If the person who has had a loss wants to talk, they will tell you. However, you are no way obliged, nor are you being rude by not asking about their loss. People who are grieving have other things going on in their life too, and it can be more helpful to talk about those things to take a vacation from their plan.
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