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Busting Some Myths About Anger Management
By: Mitchell Milch, CSW
When we thoughtlessly and impulsively react to feelings of anger it becomes a weapon. It is as if we are running red lights at intersections and putting ourselves and others in grave danger. Many of us are emotionally color blind at the intersection between feeling, thought and action precisely because, like any intersection, these events appear connected in a logical sequence. When we take our experiences of anger out on others we tend not to slow down long enough to recognize that what seems logical may not be. Furthermore, what we want to see as a green light is really an impulse running through what, under calmer and cooler circumstances, ought to be our consciences and reality testing/judgment flashing red lights. If the red light is flashing, we are moving too quickly and relentlessly to slow down and pay attention.
The consequences of our actions once the dust settles are most often injurious to both parties, both individually, and to their relationship. Having worked as a social worker in a criminal court in Connecticut, I know from experience that the jails and prisons in this country are populated by folks who have used anger as a weapon, as well as those who sincerely believe they were victims of such aggression and felt they were acting in justified self defense. This article busts some of the myths responsible for the irresponsible management of anger and other emotions that can light the fuse on verbally and physically abusive behaviors. I hope this article will lead many of you out there who know of someone who fits the descriptions in the following paragraphs to share this article with them so that they may do some soul searching and, perhaps, find the motivation to obtain counseling.
Myth #1
“He pushed my buttons so he got what he deserved.” Does an unsuspecting person deserve to be your personal whipping post when something he says annoys you and lights the fuse for 40 years of collected grievances? If you have not forgiven ______ for what was done to you during your childhood, then you are likely to still have an axe to grind and may, unbeknownst to yourself, spend your days looking to avenge past injustices. Unfortunately, an untreated victim never loses the drive to repeat history and place himself in harm’s way with the story ending where he either repeats the role of victim or assumes the role of perpetrator after finding a suitable victim. Misery never finds enough company and is a self perpetuating machine until people break these vicious cycles with the help of a trained professional. It’s not anyone’s responsibility except your own to work at healing the emotional wounds suffered early in life. It’s not anyone else’s fault if something happens between yourself and someone else that triggers painful associations with earlier traumas. It’s sad and unfortunate, but it is a reality of life. If we fight this reality, we keep heaping more pain and suffering on everyone, including ourselves. If we accept this unfortunate reality, then we can head toward the road toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is in our self interest. You can’t shape a brighter future if you are still held hostage by your past. If you were nothing more than a vending machine, then when someone pushed your buttons you would not be responsible for using anger as a weapon. But you are responsible. Just ask a criminal court judge in any state.
Myth #2
“I didn’t do anything wrong. I tried to walk away from fighting with him and he pursued me into the bedroom, cornered me, and then called me every name in the book. Of course I slugged him. What else could I have done?” Life is often not fair and sometimes we have only one unappealing choice to make in the name of our health and welfare. That choice, based on the scenario above, is to move out. Separation anxieties are not an excuse to stay with a partner who will degrade you and otherwise provoke you into a fight until you lose your cool and retaliate. If your efforts to call time-outs or otherwise deescalate conflicts are not respected and the two of you wind up in violent encounters, then you have one and only one reasonable choice at your disposal: find a safe haven until you have evidence that both of you are willing and able to manage your feelings in a more respectful and considerate manner. Two wrongs never make a right and the party that retaliates is often deemed to be as guilty as the one who started it. When the police are called to break up domestic disputes, "who started it" often does not determine whether or not both parties will be asked to appear in court to face charges.
Myth #3
“If I get angry I get very destructive.” The title of this article could very well be "Busting Myths About Rage Management." Anger all by itself does not often lead to abusive behaviors. Most often, you have to sprinkle on a little rage, envy and hatred to get something akin to an explosive. Wars start when people feel attacked, and attacks on our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness are often taken very personally by many. If we are wronged and hurt by others, we will most likely become angry. If we assume that we are being mistreated because we don’t count, and we don’t count because the implied message is that we deserve to be treated this way for some ugliness or defect of character or physical appearance, all we have to do is swallow this self-deprecating message whole and anger will then bleed into rage. Rage is a signal that our value and significance is under attack and we are feeling helpless to defend ourselves. This experience breeds destructive acts of retaliation because it becomes a matter of kill or be killed in terms of feeling like a worthwhile person deserving of respect and consideration.
Myth #4
“I was out of control, so I’m not responsible for my actions.” This translates to: “Denial is not a river in Egypt.” Many substance abusers and other non compliant consumers of mental health treatment services use “being out of control” to “feel in control” of getting what they want. If you are responsible by acts of commission or omission for relinquishing control over yourself, then you are in a very precarious position. You are very dependent in an unhealthy way on others to look out for you, clean up your messes for you, or take responsibility for you. If that dependent relationship falls apart, you may be one step away from a rude awakening that goes along with being held accountable for your actions. This applies whether or not you drink yourself into oblivion or lose control of your mind as a direct consequence of the decision to stop taking your medications. “The Devil made me hit that person” will not cut it if you have years of psychiatric hospitalizations under your belt that should have taught you what you need to do to manage your hallucinations and delusions. Sometimes notions of being powerful, important and special are linked to being treated as if the rules of society don’t apply to us. This is a symptom of not feeling special or important in one’s own right.
Myth #5
“If I don’t think about it, then I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to be your victim. I’m going to fight back!” People do not exist to polish images of ourselves that are false so that we can make real that which is flattering for us to look at in the mirror. We can walk around and actually believe our press clippings are true if we confuse who we are with what we want ourselves and others to see, and dismiss evidence to the contrary as bogus. In such instances we may feel attacked when these images we depend upon for a semblance of self esteem are not validated and are instead exposed as fraudulent. We may feel that another person has attacked us by exposing us. In truth, we attack our true selves because we have contempt and hatred for how we conduct our lives--and yet, we refuse to make changes. Consequently, the messenger is blamed for shedding light on our true natures. The mythical experience that is busted is that we feel larger than life when our egos are inflated by false notions about who we are, and our egos then become completely flattened, as if they were balloons in The Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade that were pricked by a large pin. The messenger becomes the enemy and the feelings of rage, anger, envy associated with feeling devalued and degraded will result in an act of retaliation. It’s not necessarily that our characters are being judged as all bad. It’s more like we become self conscious of a stain on our imagined pristine character that we cannot tolerate because we are afraid we don't know how to keep these stains from spreading and coloring our entire selves.
Myth #6
Adults who behave like children feel much better after they explode and release their tension. I can tell you from many experiences counseling couples that there may be an immediate release of emotional tension from our bodies and minds when we let our feelings fly. However, most of the adults I have worked with end up feeling ashamed, guilty and depressed for such behavior in the long run. Adults need to behave like adults and effectively manage age appropriate roles in order to feel happy, at peace and fulfilled. When they behave like children, they may feel immediate gratification, however, later on when they have moments to reflect on their actions, they feel awful.
Conclusion:
Impulse control problems of any kind are most often treated with counseling and/or medications. Counseling requires making spaces and developing comfort with containing, reflecting on and submitting feelings to the creative powers of mindfulness to change our perspectives and relationships to anger and other potentially hostile emotions. It takes only one degree of separation from the person we are interacting with, and only one degree of separation from our own feelings, thoughts, and fantasies, to start us on the road to neutralizing potentially volatile, destructive and regrettable actions. I hope you will spend some time reflecting on some of the myths I have tried to bust in this article.
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