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Relationship Therapy Group
By: Marci Steinberg, LCSW
“Love" and "work” are the two most potentially satisfying areas in our life, according to Freud. Therefore, what is also true is that love is potentially most painful. Many people don’t realize that the ability to be a partner in a quality romantic relationship is based on healthy relationship skills that are learned, rather than something we are born with. Group Therapy is an excellent laboratory for people to experience themselves and others as they currently are in their relationships; and to learn to respond at a level which is productive rather than destructive.
One of the most important tools in learning to relate as a healthy adult is knowing your own feelings. It is not uncommon to hear “I just don’t know what I’m feeling,” or “I feel empty.” Learning how to identify and to then communicate your emotional experience is what allows for greater intimacy. No coincidence then, that the word intimacy may be understood as into-me-see (isn’t this what we all want?).
Likewise, the ability to listen is also a learned skill. A common obstacle in romantic love is when we do not hear what the other is saying, but rather hear what we want or need them to say. When we practice listening skills, we realize the other person is revealing important information about themselves, which, when denied, results in painful feelings of rejection. When we are heard in our interpersonal relationships, we feel validated and seen for who we are. This is what makes relationships intimate and healthy, as opposed to frustrating and dysfunctional.
3 Common Relationship Mistakes
1.) Sex vs. Love
“My partner sweeps me off my feet--the sex is so amazing…this must be true love.” Yes? No! This person is describing a shared activity that is fun and feels pleasurable. Sex without the emotional connection of companionship is simply an activity, which may be seen as a superficial one because once the infatuation wears off so does the great sexual “high.” If this initial contact evolves into an intimate “knowing” of the other person, a deep tenderness and satisfaction is possible. The sexual experience transcends the superficial realm, becoming a physical, emotional and spiritual connection called mature romantic love. Sadly, many miss out on this experience because they lack the skills to enhance their relationship.
2.) Selecting a Partner
“Why do I always pick the wrong person?” Your partner gives you important information about who they are and what they need. Perhaps it doesn’t match your own ideas. Can there be real satisfaction with someone who doesn’t think exactly the way you do? Yes, if the basic values are compatible. I had a client whose only wish was to sell enough of her art to be able to relax and play the piano and walk in the woods. Her partner was business driven and determined to make it to the top. Even though they cared for each other greatly, they were inappropriate life partners because they could not meet each others needs. Very often in our intimate relationships we create the dysfunctional patterns of our past family experience. Group therapy offers a safe place for people to explore themselves and how they relate to others.
3.) Love—A Cure?
“My real problem is I’m not married. If only I met my soul mate I’d be happy.” What many do not realize is that our partner is a mirror of ourselves. People are attracted to one another based on their own personal level of development. So, if you don’t feel good about who you are, you can not expect to meet someone who has it all together.
Many people believe that if they find the perfect mate all of their emotional problems will be resolved. They expect they will not be depressed any more, and that they will find happiness in their relationship. When sad or uncomfortable feelings begin to surface, they become disillusioned with the relationship and think what needs to be changed is the relationship and not themselves. Relationships do not change people. The love cure is an internal process of having a relationship first with oneself, and then becoming the kind of person we hope to meet.
Group work is a wonderful tool to help verbalize our feelings, desires and needs. In group work people learn from the experiences of others. People learn about their commonalities, how to communicate, what works, and what doesn’t. People have the opportunity to move from a polarized situation to one which may reflect more realistic, diversified feelings for one another. Conscious relating allows for honest communication, acceptance, and forgiveness, and opens the door to mutual satisfaction and happiness. Very often, group therapy is more effective than individual work, although both together are ideal.
Currently, Marci Steinberg, LCSW, and Karen Gutheit, Ph.D, are interviewing clients for their Relationship and Intimacy Group. This group is open to those already in a relationship or those desiring to be in one. Initial consultation is free of charge. Please contact Marci for more information.
Click Here to learn more about Marci Steinberg, LCSW
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