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Create a Better Work-Life Balance and Enjoy a Happier Life (1.)
By: Patricia Walker, Ph.D.
An important part of a building a happy life is creating a balance among work, personal, and family needs that allows you to pursue your dreams, achieve your goals, and enhance your physical and emotional well-being. As you might have discovered, finding and maintaining the balance that suits you best are not always straightforward endeavors.
Today, many people feel that their lives are out of balance. Their priorities always seem to be competing in distressing ways—perhaps they enjoy their career achievements but can’t find the time to take care of themselves and exercise, or their work seems to be interfering with having a loving family life. Whatever type or degree of work-life imbalance you might be experiencing, I offer this information to assist you in creating, without further delay, the balance that is best for you.
Consequences of Work-Life Balance Struggles
Work-life balance struggles can diminish your overall happiness and well-being and negatively impact your life in far-reaching ways. When you feel torn between a demanding job and a growing family, you can conclude that you never do enough in either area of your life, compromising the enjoyment you experience in both.
When you are at work, feeling guilty that you aren’t meeting your family’s needs can result in reduced efficiency and productivity. Adverse health consequences, such as stress-related illnesses, can result when you are chronically tense or upset. These illnesses can be further exacerbated when you aren’t able to make time to exercise or have regular medical and dental checkups.
When you pursue personal and family needs, you can be distracted by the work that you aren’t getting done. Requests by your partner or children to spend time together can feel like more demands rather than positive desires for closeness and fun. These struggles in family relationships have consequences that range from tension and conflict to divorce and developmental problems for children.
Situational Factors Are Only Part of the Problem
Many situational factors pose challenges to your efforts to create the work-life balance you want. As you are well aware, tasks in daily living, such as supporting yourself or your family financially, job responsibilities, cooking meals, and paying bills can feel like obstacles to balancing your life.
Certain situational factors pose special burdens. These factors include having young children, working extra hours in a demanding career or a second job, being a single parent, poverty or serious financial constraints, and caring for an aging parent. Terrible losses, which create great hardships in people’s lives (e.g., death of a spouse, divorce, job loss, serious illness, natural disasters, and being involved in war), can derail efforts to maintain a good work-life balance.
When you are undergoing a crisis or experiencing high levels of stress, it is strongly advisable to seek professional support. Talking with a therapist about your feelings is a direct way of dealing with the effects of stress and will enable you to cope in more adaptive ways. Unfortunately, when people don’t get the care they need, they are more likely to suffer serious states of anxiety, depression, and stress-related illnesses; rely on less adaptive outlets (e.g., alcohol or drugs); and fall back on non-constructive coping mechanisms (e.g., overeating) and relationship patterns (e.g., arguing).
In most instances, real life needs and situations usually account for only part of the difficulty people experience when they aren’t able to create the work-life balance they want. Most people recognize that their difficulties aren’t entirely created by factors outside their control, but also stem from some of the choices they make. Unfortunately, even when you know you want to change some aspect of your lifestyle (e.g., procrastinate less or get regular exercise), you can’t always stop doing something you know isn’t good for you, or start doing something you know would be better. Many people are caught in the middle of inner conflicts that make it hard for them to make changes to create the healthier and happier balance they would like. When confusion caused by inner conflicts is cleared away, with help from a therapist, you often can find more flexible and adaptive ways of meeting your real life needs.
Inner Conflicts Can Make Balancing Your Life Harder
People sometimes make balancing their lives harder than necessary by getting in their own way. Tendencies to make life harder are referred to as motives for unhappiness because they make people unhappy rather than happy. Motives to unknowingly cause yourself unhappiness can take on many forms, including chronic negative feelings about yourself, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, moodiness, long-standing bad habits, as well as counterproductive responses to stress and losses and counterproductive relationship patterns.(2.) These tendencies to unknowingly cause yourself unhappiness are relatively common, and in the past, were mistakenly viewed as undesirable aspects of human nature. Progress in understanding child development has led to the recognition that children develop motives to make things harder for themselves when important psychological developmental needs are not accurately understood and are not fully met.(3.)
Motives for unhappiness often contribute to difficulties finding and maintaining the right balance among important priorities. Getting help to identify these tendencies as they occur, and to understand why they developed and continue to persist, can enable you to successfully overcome them and gain more control over making the choices you would prefer. In my practice, I apply advances in understanding and treating motives for unhappiness to help clients realize they no longer need to accept previously unrecognized tendencies that are interfering with their genuine happiness.
Therapy Can Help You Find and Maintain a Better Work-Life Balance
Two examples from my practice highlight some of the common barriers that make it difficult for people when they try to create an optimal work-life balance. The examples also show how therapy helped these clients understand and overcome their unrecognized motives for unhappiness that were getting in their way.
In the first example, a woman struggled with finding the balance that suited her best, in this case, deciding whether to concentrate on her rewarding career as a business executive or to cut back in order to begin a family. In the second example, a busy architect with a
growing family of three children was having difficulty maintaining the work-life balance he knew he wanted.
According to accepted practices in the field, in these examples, I have changed the names, disguised all identifying information, and altered some of the facts to completely protect the identity of clients and the confidentiality of their treatments. In addition, the issues these examples highlight are not unique to any one individual, but are commonly experienced by many people with whom I work in my practice.
Getting Help To FIND the Right Balance
Determining the balance that will make you truly happy involves contending with a range of issues, such as:
* Learning to listen to your feelings and weigh what is most important to you.
* Choosing a career or a way of pursuing your career that takes into consideration the kind of personal life you want.
* Choosing whether to focus on your career until you are well-established professionally or to make commitments to a partner and a family early on.
* Deciding whether to become a parent.
* Deciding when to have a baby or an additional child in light of career demands or your career path.
* Determining how to combine work and family commitments on a daily basis.
* Deciding whether, and for how long, to reduce work responsibilities to care for young children.
If you are experiencing difficulty making any of these types of decisions, a therapist can determine if motives for unhappiness could be playing a role and, if so, provide effective treatment.
Joanne’s Story
Helping Joanne Find the Right Balance
Joanne had struggled for some time with knowing what would make her most happy—whether she wanted to focus on her rewarding career as a corporate executive or, in addition, raise children. Joanne’s husband was unusual in that he did not have a strong preference and felt that he would be happy whether or not they chose to have children. He knew that Joanne was trying to decide what was best for her, and he was willing to support her decision.
Joanne repeatedly sought advice from her friends and family, but hearing other people’s advice didn’t help her make up her mind. She frequently compared herself to her friends, thinking maybe she would be happy doing what they were doing. She was also concerned about the expectations of her relatives, who often asked her when she and her husband were going to have children. Joanne was living in a state of anxiety that was affecting her adversely and creating symptoms of insomnia, fatigue, and lack of enjoyment of her life.
Joanne’s Motives for Unhappiness
Joanne sought therapy because she couldn’t get clarity regarding this deeply important decision.
Initially, she expected that I would advise her as to the choice that would be better for her. Rather than advise her, however, I helped her see that asking others for direction, comparing herself with others, and being concerned about others’ expectations all came out of unrecognized motives for unhappiness in the form of negative feelings about her own ability to make important choices about her life.
Joanne began to see how her focus on other people was making it very hard for her to listen to herself, know her own feelings, and discover what would be best for her. She described how her feelings and choices were seldom heard or respected when she was growing up. When she recognized that her confidence in herself had not been fully developed in childhood, she understood why she dismissed her feelings and choices and focused too much on the choices made by others.
Joanne had a different experience of herself through the way she was cared for in our therapeutic relationship. I always listened to and respected Joanne’s feelings, and valued her as a person. Joanne started to feel better about herself and about her own feelings and preferences. She also discovered that, unlike her relatives, I had no personal agenda regarding what decision she would eventually make. Joanne felt free in our relationship to pay attention to all of her feelings. She explored what she thought she would enjoy about each option and also what would feel very difficult to her, given her life history. She talked through how the commitment of raising children would impact her. As she gained respect for and confidence in her own opinions and judgment, she felt increasingly empowered to make decisions and to trust that she was the best judge regarding what would make her truly happy.
Joanne felt great pride in eventually arriving at a decision that she felt to be her own. For Joanne, at this point in her life, she felt it best to delay having a baby until she made improvements and felt happier in both her marriage and her work life. Coming to therapy was the beginning of a process of true self-discovery and growth for Joanne. Therapy helped her recognize and overcome the effect her motives for unhappiness had been having in these important areas.
In her married life, Joanne worked on creating deeper intimacy and happiness through becoming more comfortable expressing her needs and more open to hearing the needs of her husband. She discovered that her husband wanted to know her feelings and that he responded positively to her increased desires for closeness. She also discovered the pleasure of the increased mutual understanding they were creating.
In her career, Joanne applied the new model for taking care of herself that she developed in therapy to become more comfortable making leadership decisions and expressing her views when they were different from those of others. She also applied the new model in listening better and being more responsive to the needs of her business clients and supervisees, which made them love working with her. Joanne’s team became the model for successful client relations within her company. Her clients gave her new business assignments and she was given new opportunities within her organization.
Getting Help to MAINTAIN the Right Balance
Once people are able to determine the balance they want, they often find it difficult to follow through and maintain this optimal balance. Work-life balance struggles, by their nature, involve difficult choices among competing priorities. Ongoing inner conflicts over these competing priorities cause people to have difficulty sticking with their decisions. When you have conflicting feelings about your priorities, whenever you pursue one goal (e.g., beginning an exercise program), a competing goal (e.g., working extra hours), will nag at you until you pursue the competing priority instead. As illustrated in the next case, if you feel caught between competing priorities it is important to ask yourself, “Am I listening to the part of myself to which I really want to listen, or did I want to do one thing but find myself doing another?”
Jason’s Story
Helping Jason Maintain the Right Balance
After thoughtfully searching his feelings, Jason, an architect with an excessive workload, decided not to take on any additional projects for the summer so that he could spend summer weeknights attending his children’s baseball and soccer games. Jason felt good when he told his wife about his decision. However, he began second-guessing himself later that evening, feeling anxious as he anticipated his lighter work schedule.
These anxious, uncomfortable feelings nagged at Jason over the next week. When a client called, Jason felt compelled by these uncomfortable feelings to accept a new project on the spot. Upon accepting the project, Jason’s feelings of anxiety were relieved. At some level, Jason realized that he had pushed aside his prior choice to share in his children’s summer without carefully thinking through whether that was what he really wanted. As he spent many evenings working on the project, Jason felt vaguely upset with himself for disappointing his children, and he missed the fun he used to have with them at their games.
Jason recognized that this was a familiar pattern for him. He always felt overwhelmed by his volume of work. No matter how much he did, he never felt it was enough. He would try to spend more time with his wife and children, but something inevitably came up. Furthermore, whenever he attempted to reduce his workload, he felt very concerned that his supervisor would think less of him and this could jeopardize his chance for promotion. Despite his best efforts, he could not find a way out of this pattern. He sought therapy because he wasn’t happy with the way his work and his family life were going and he didn’t want the situation escalating into a crisis.
Jason’s Motives for Unhappiness
I helped Jason see that he was in a type of tug-of-war with himself. This tug-of-war created unproductive results both at work and at home. He couldn’t concentrate fully at work, and he was distracted when he was with his family. He had always experienced himself as being in conflict with either his supervisor or his wife, feeling both wanted more of him. He had not seen before that he was caught, really, in a conflict between two sides of himself—two sides with opposing sets of feelings. One side wanted to spend more time with his family and have a reasonable work schedule. The other side felt deeply self-critical when he took off an evening or weekend and, furthermore, was convinced that his supervisor shared this harsh view.
Through my help in therapy, Jason began to understand his own inner tug-of-war that prevented him from having the work-life balance he really wanted. He talked about how his parents had very high, probably unrealistic, expectations of him as a child, causing him to feel that he always came up short in their eyes. They expected him to have capacities that adults have, such as being able to reliably complete all of his homework and chores. When he slipped up, they would tell him he wasn’t trying hard enough and could do better. Jason learned that he was now treating himself just as his parents had treated him by feeling that he wasn’t working hard enough whenever he wanted to cut back on his workload. He had always thought, just as his parents did, that being harsh with himself was the best way to motivate him to strive harder. But he began to recognize that these harsh feelings were, instead, motives for unhappiness that made him feel discouraged about the quality of his work and had a paralyzing effect on him.
These motives for unhappiness also resulted in Jason’s expecting that his supervisor would feel exactly the same way about him as his parents did. Therapy helped Jason understand the source of his deep concern about his supervisor. Jason recognized that he didn’t have any real evidence that his supervisor actually viewed him harshly. He was now able to see that it was really a part of himself that felt that he was lax and that he was probably his own harshest critic.
Jason Grew Less Critical of Himself
Jason gradually began to feel less critical of himself as he experienced unconditional support, for the first time, in his relationship with me. He began to have more positive feelings about himself and his career, and this paid off in increased efficiency and productivity during the time he was at work. He felt less concerned that his supervisor viewed him negatively, which enabled him to talk with his supervisor about how to best utilize his time when a new project came up. Jason’s supervisor made a helpful observation that Jason tended to do everything himself and didn’t delegate parts of projects and get the rest of the staff involved. They agreed to work on helping Jason delegate some of his duties so that he could be involved in a number of projects, but in a way that made the best use of his time. Jason was able to recognize more accurately that his supervisor valued his talent and viewed him as a committed member of the firm.
I worked with Jason to help him stand his ground with his intentions to delegate some of his work and catch himself whenever he began to fall prey to feelings of self-criticism. I helped Jason understand that, when he chose to follow the goal to delegate work, the part of him that believed he never did enough felt very uncomfortable. He questioned whether he made the wrong choice, wondered if he should have listened to the other part of himself instead, and wanted to reverse his decision.
Just as Jason tended to be critical of himself when he delegated work, he also tended to have critical feelings about the people to whom he delegated work, feeling that they weren’t doing enough either. Through understanding this tug-of-war, and with the support of his therapeutic relationship, Jason was able to stick with the goal he really preferred, overcoming the critical feelings towards his coworkers and delegated work on a regular basis. Steadily over time, Jason grew less critical of himself for wanting a more balanced life and his family grew closer together.
When Is It Time to Seek Therapy?
If you’re wondering if you should seek therapy, then you must already have identified at least one area of your life that you would like to be different. Anyone who feels less than satisfied with the way their lives are going could benefit from therapy. You don’t have to continue feeling badly or wait until problems reach a crisis. Many people experience more unhappiness than they would like. Unhappiness is never something you should have to live with or accept. People who seek therapy recognize they deserve to be happy and reach their full potential, and they are determined to take positive action and make this happen.
Changing negative feelings and counterproductive patterns takes more than good advice or empathic listening from family and friends. A therapist who has experience treating motives for unhappiness will be able to help you to identify and understand the invisible causes behind these unwanted patterns. You will then be in a position to have a choice regarding which motives you really prefer to pursue. With continued support you can steadily move beyond the negative cycles, toward genuinely pleasurable experiences, more of the time.
If you’re holding back because it would be difficult to discuss the problem with a stranger, be assured that a caring therapist will be nonjudgmental in helping you regardless of the nature of your problem.
Another common initial obstacle to beginning therapy is thinking that obtaining help from a psychologist is a sign of weakness. It is just the opposite! People who seek therapy have the courage to change their lives and the strength of their convictions. Tragically, many people in our culture are burdened with feeling that they must struggle with problems alone. When you have not been able to change a pattern yourself, it is because there are feelings about yourself, which are invisible to you, that are getting in your way; motives for unhappiness, by their nature, are always invisible to the person experiencing them.
Therapy is not a crutch. A therapist can help you continue to grow in ways that lead to lasting improvements in your moods and in your life. Choosing to start therapy is a constructive way of supporting and caring for yourself that can enable you to begin, right now, to make the changes you desire.
© 2006, Patricia Walker, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
(1.) Adapted from a symposium on, Profession, Community, Family: Keeping the Juggling Act in the Air. Paper presented at the American Institute of Architects National Convention, Chicago, Illinois, 2004.
(2.) Pieper, Martha Heineman, & Pieper, William J. (2003), Addicted to Unhappiness: Free Yourself From Moods and Behaviors that Undermine Relationships, Work, and the Life You Want. New York: McGraw-Hill.
(3.) Pieper, Martha Heineman, & Pieper, William J. (1999), Smart Love: A Compassionate Alternative to Discipline That Will Make You a Better Parent and Your Child a Better Person. Boston: The Harvard Common Press.
Dr. Walker is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Illinois Psychological Association, the Intrapsychic Humanism Society, and the Streeterville Chamber of Commerce.
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