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Changing Your Reality
By: Jim Weinstein, MBA, MFT
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."—Albert Einstein
Popular opinion holds reality as a hard-edged concept with little or no "wiggle room." The phrases "face up to reality," "in reality," "up against reality," "reality check," and "virtual reality" all convey a meaning of reality as a state that is true and factual. Reality simply IS. And yet so much of our own experience would, upon examination, reveal that it is NOT – or at least not necessarily – true and factual. In fact, reality to a great degree depends on the eyes and the lens through which it is viewed. Two current cult movies are based on this premise: "The Matrix" series, and "What the Bleep Do We Know?" This article will attempt to illustrate that premise, and begin to demonstrate how it can be used to significantly advance your personal happiness.
Here’s an exercise to get you started. Review the following words/phrases:
A CALL FROM YOUR MOM
RAIN
LOUD MUSIC
ARRIVING EARLY
BEING FLATTERED
A SUNSET
COLD
A LOVE SONG
GOD
CRYING
A PARTY
FIRE
A XMAS CARD
SOLITUDE
A $10 BILL
Think about a time when each of these things were positive/good/pleasurable, and another time when they might have had some opposite qualities. Example: a call from your Mom might be very welcome after you were dumped by your girlfriend, but very unwelcome as you’re rushing to get ready for a date. The "reality" of each of these as you experience them depends on the context in which they’re experienced.
Contexts are circumstances leading up to and/or following an event that colors its meaning. Sometimes contexts are broad, deep, and elaborate, for example, an orthodox religious philosophy. Sometimes they’re pretty narrow, shallow, and simple: if you’re planning a picnic, rain is just not going to work for you. But virtually always, contexts are created or modified not just by their surrounding circumstances, but by our thoughts. Person A will walk through Times Square at midnight marvelling at the kaleidoscope of neon and the mass of humanity, person B will clutch her purse and rush to the safety of her hotel room. They’re experiencing the same "reality" (Times Square at midnight), but person A is curious and somewhat self-confident, while person B is somewhat fearful and dislikes crowds. Conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats think very differently about many things, dramatically coloring their experience of the "reality" of abortion, taxes, Iraq, gun control, and the U.N., to name just a few.
So, how can all of this be applied to your own individual circunstances? Here are some simple, practical suggestions on how to start developing the ability to change your reality:
1) Start questioning the notion that you know what an event means when it happens, and start to practice attributing alternative meanings to events.
We tend to react almost automatically to events in our lives, based on decades of previous experience and programming by our families, friends, school, and society/culture. Step back and see if you can imagine some alternative meanings. If you lose your job, perhaps it’s not entirely the shameful failure that you might imagine. Perhaps it’s an opportunity to find work or a workplace to which you’re better suited and in which you’ll be happier. Getting into a fender-bender could mean you need to re-examine your use of the cell phone while driving, and not just think about how much the repairs will cost and how stuipid the other guy was not to see you pulling out of your parking space. Never heard from the guy with whom you had such a great first date who promised to call you the next morning? Maybe it’s less a reflection on your appeal, and more a commentary on his lack of integrity.
The more alternative meanings you can generate, the wider the range of positive directions you can encourage your mind to follow.
2) Practice meditation to improve your ability to shift your mental focus.
Many people are afraid of meditating. They think it means emptying the mind, and feel they’re completely incapable of that for even a few seconds.
In truth, anyone can be a good meditator. All that’s required is a willingness to concentrate. You can concentrate on your breath, feeling the air whooshing in and out of your nostrils. You can concentrate on watching the flickering of a flame. You can even concentrate on the food you’re eating. Whatever focus of concentration you choose, notice how quickly an extraneous and distracting thought will pop up in the mind.practically as soon as you’ve begun your concentration. Don’t berate yourself for your inability to keep your mind clear. Simply bring your attention back to the object of your concentration. The extraneous thoughts will keep popping. Keep noticing them, and keep gently bringing your mind back to its focal point. Only five or ten minutes a day of meditation will dramatically strengthen your "mental focusing muscles," enabling you to more consistently and effectively direct your mind in the direction you’d prefer.
3) Deconstruct!
Deconstruction is a word many have heard of, but few understand. It literally means to take things apart. In the context of this article, it means becoming more aware of all of our deep-seated beliefs and deciding, after examination, which ones we want to hold on to and which can be safely discarded. Many of the underlying beliefs that govern our thinking and behavior are “implants”: we never really got to decide whether those beliefs are ones that serve us because we assimilated them at a very early or a very vulnerable age, so that by this time they’ve become automatic.
Examples:
You’re incomplete without your true love ("it takes two, baby").
Fifty is too old to change careers.
If I tell people what I really think, they won’t like me.
Nice guys finish last.
You need to have a long-term plan for success and stick with it.
It’s important to keep up appearances.
Forgive and forget.
After identifying some of these deep-seated beliefs (you’ll get better at it as time goes on), look at them carefully and ask yourself these three questions:
1. Where did I first hear this or who was the first to say it to me?
2. What unique circumstances of that time, place, or person might have made those beliefs valuable?
3. Are you in the same circumstances? If not, do your unique circumstances indicate a modification or deletion of the belief?
Don’t be afraid to do a little detective work: "Dad, grandpa always used to say ‘money is the root of all evil.’ Why do you think he believed that?"
A few moments contemplating the answers to these questions will help you make a smarter decision as to which beliefs really make sense for you.
About Jim Weinstein...
Jim Weinstein, MBA, MFT, is a life consultant and therapist based in Washington, D.C., with a secondary practice in Beverly Hills, CA, specializing in career counseling, mid-life issues, spiritual counseling, gay and lesbian issues, and more.
Click Here to learn more about Jim Weinstein.
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