» Life Topics » Stress
Holiday Hurdles
By: Penelope Starr-Karlin, MFT
Standing in line at a store the other day I overheard someone saying how difficult this time of year is for her since every one of her addictions and bad behaviors come out to haunt her. She would like this year to be different so that she won’t end up hating herself, but isn’t sure what to do differently. This is my reply to her, and I hope it can help you too.
Feasting
One of the joys and challenges of the season are the numerous social occasions. While intended to be a gift to all and an opportunity to socialize, they’re not so easy for many of us. There’s the social anxiety--"will I be liked, look cool, will I think of something intelligent to say, will I be ignored, what if someone I don’t like corners me, what shall I bring, what if I say something really dumb, what if I’m sorry I gave out my phone number to that bore?"
Then there’s the overindulgence (which often is an attempt to deal with the social anxiety)--"too many sweets and desserts, salt, carbs and fats, and not enough of the things I can eat, and the timing of meals is all off!"...Or the "one or two too many drinks and I’ll say something obnoxious and embarrass myself." And then the uncomfortable regrets and even self-loathing later, as a night’s sleep is ruined with an upset tummy, a promise to yourself broken, and your body feels really bad!
If you’ve traveled, you may be dealing with airport snafus, time zone changes, sleep deprivation and being far from the comforts of home and the familiarity of your own rhythm of life. You may have to fit in with other people’s schedules and life habits that are not so easy, and you may not have your usual outlets for stress such as exercise and down-time with friends. You may even feel isolated and alienated.
All kinds of hurdles, all kinds of solutions! Here are what I think are three of the most effective:
Strategize:
Before leaving for the party, think about some interesting events you recently attended (movie, gathering, exhibit) or unusual things you have done (vacation, hobby), pet stories, or a news/sports interest story to discuss to deal with small talk. Think of some good jokes--be light! Or you could plan on "helping out" as your main focus – look to see if the host needs help, or if someone is alone, or having difficulty with something. Make it your job to lend a hand. That way you’ll leave with increased self-esteem and a good reputation! Think about the best way to handle difficult personalities. What is your most graceful out? And last but not least: What would you like to get out of the event?
Boundaries:
Thinking ahead and becoming clear within is the secret of good boundaries. Vagueness leads to trouble. Exactly what is OK and what is not? For example, are salted cashews in or out, or limited to one handful? Will you be drinking wine only, or will you have eggnog too? How about spirits? How many glasses are OK and over how long of a period? Should you eat ahead of time at your usual scheduled mealtime and ignore party offerings, or will you eat there and consider it a meal? What will you do about gossip? Who is a must-talk-to, who will you avoid. Think carefully about your time constraints. How long can you stay given your other commitments – minimum and maximum time.
Support Network:
Consider buddying up with an appropriate friend/colleague and sticking together during the event. Drive together, or meet outside, and leave together so you can psyche up on the way, and post-mortem on the way home. Pre-plan arrival and approximate departure times. Or, “bookend” the event, which means you call a friend before and after the event and talk about your fears and feelings. Another idea would be to schedule a call to a friend during the event by going outside and using your cell phone. Laughter is the best medicine!
The “Norman Rockwell” Syndrome
This is my term for the internal clash between the archetypal fantasies of what the holidays "should" be versus the actual "gnarly" reality. This especially impacts single people who’d prefer to be coupled, or who recently broke up, and most of us whose families are not perfect (and are thus more likely to be researching on 4Therapy.com). It can also include people recently relocated and far from "home."
Norman Rockwell’s art depicts an archetypal (collective myth) fantasy of an impossibly cute and comforting family picture-perfect world. There’s no stress or hurt feelings, loneliness, or unmet expectations. There’s no divorce, blended or step families, no-one on drugs, drunk, gone missing, divorced or dead. No-one has problems – it’s just picture perfect sentimentality. Not only in art, but in life, too, we are sold on the notion of the idealized family, through the media and commercial advertising (when we feel "less-than" we compensate by buying more). Believing in the myth we hold expectations and suffer disappointments. Then we find someone to blame--often ourselves. Loneliness, self-pity, depression, hurt, disappointment and fear begin to overwhelm us.
The first and most powerful tool for the NRS is to really appreciate what you do have. A "gratitude list" can be a very helpful way to achieve an attitude adjustment. A gratitude list is a list you make of at least five items a day that you’re sincerely able to feel good about. For example: "I had the freedom to set my own schedule today. I’m in sunny California. I have good health. I have a job today. I have a good friend. I am a good friend. I have hope. I’m an honest person." And you make this list every day for a week, and see how you feel. If you had a really difficult family it may help to list some of the good lessons you learned about life and love by learning how to deal with them.
Feel Your Feelings:
If you’re alone, and don’t want to be, there’s a very painful, authentic feeling of loss. After all, we are social animals; we were made to want to be with loved ones. It can be helpful to make some additional contact with family and friends by phone call, letter or e-mail. Connecting with a community of like-minded people is a great way to build friendships and reduce the likelihood of isolation. If feelings of loneliness persist or are very painful, it would be a good time to see a psychotherapist to work through the pain in a sympathetic and safe place.
Reality Check:
Don’t confuse a culturally-driven ideal--to be aimed at by the majority and achieved by the few--with what is really possible for you right now. Don’t confuse the ownership of material possessions with the inner well-being that can come from self-confidence, supportive friends, cherishing relationships, and psychological and spiritual growth. If you’re single and yearning for a partner try reminding yourself of what you know anyway-- that romantic partnerships are not all perfect-- some of them far from it, and they don’t necessarily make your problems go away. The true meaning of this time of year is “peace and goodwill to all.” This comes from the development of love and compassion toward others, and letting go of resentments through personal growth.
Ghosts of Christmas Past
This reminder from Charles Dickens’ novel "A Christmas Carol" poignantly reminds us of the subtle emotional presence today of old times, good and bad. High-times and low-times from previous years seem to merge together timelessly in our psyche, and act like an emotional background hum as we go about our tasks during the holiday season. The best memories become our standard to be achieved, while bad ones are remembered up to 7 times as long as good memories (that’s a survival mechanism that tries to help us avoid repeating exposure to similar traumas).
Traumatic family events are most likely to occur at holidays because it is a time of maximum stress. The weeks around the anniversary can stimulate unresolved or incompletely grieved feelings which can be experienced somatically even if the event is not consciously remembered. Even in cases where you think you are "over" whatever happened years ago the traces of the experience could come up and haunt you as a felt sense of unease and anxiety, anger, irritability, or surprise bouts of crying.
Support:
In my work as a therapist I find that the winter holidays can be a powerfully healing time of the year, and that is reflected in its spiritual message and its religious stories. The miracle of healing occurs for some through spiritual inspiration, and for others by talking difficult experiences over with a supportive and insightful psychotherapist. What happens is that there can be a completion of unfinished emotional work possibly leading to taking some actions to rectify or correct damage caused, and finding ways to restore good, safe relationships. Very often people come to see me because they find themselves re-experiencing the same or similar traumatic scenarios over and over, despite their best efforts. I see this as nature’s way of getting our attention, and if addressed, can precipitate some really rich work in which a client develops exponentially and gets unstuck in many areas of their life.
Feelings of loss and mourning over people you have lost through death or irresolvable differences can be very powerful now. Then there are those who are far away, and whom you are missing so much, and cannot touch. Perhaps they are in another country, or in the armed services. You cannot celebrate together and share the holidays.
Reflect and Remember:
If you can spend time with someone else who is missing them too, it could really help to cry together and reminisce. Put a photo and candle with some flowers somewhere you can see it and honor it every day. Take a minute or more to be with that person and express all that you feel, all that you miss. Also honor yourself and the sadness and vulnerability that you feel, and treat yourself gently and lovingly, perhaps even give yourself a gift that reminds you of that person.
Presents and Gifts
"The past is a memory, the future a fantasy, all we have is the present, and that’s why it’s a gift." (author unknown)
Shopping, shopping and SHOPPING! This is where we talk about stress-- the stress of money and time constraints, the sadness and inadequacy we may feel in not being wealthier, more organized, more gracious. We may feel clueless about what to buy several relatives. This is where we “lose it” with our kids who haven’t yet learned that just because you put stuff in the basket, they can’t put everything they want in too! This is where shop clerks and other drivers seem to become sadistic monsters, and parking lots become a scary jungle! Debting problems are exacerbated, shopoholic traits take over, and impatience shadows you. Disappointment and frustration dog your every step. You collapse exhausted at the end of the whole day you allocated to buy all your gifts, and you’re only half way there and over budget, and even the mail order items got lost in transit. What can you do to make it better?
At the opposite pole there’s also the problem of procrastination and not even getting started. It can damage your wellbeing! Procrastination can lead to drama and crises, and hurt you and those around you. It’s OK to find something that’s "good enough" in order to avoid the perfectionism that’s paralyzing you!
Relaxation:
Take mini breaks often. Find a quiet, safe place and close your eyes for a minute and try this meditation: Close your eyes and empty your mind of all thought. Then focus and allow one image (such as a beautiful rose, a starry night sky or a familiar view), or an inspirational saying, fill your mind and linger. Try not to let any other thoughts/feelings/memories/sensations distract you. Feel the wonder of it. Hold it for a minute at least. If this is difficult for you, focus by imagining its color, any fragrance, and the details of its appearance, or any other bodily sensation associated with it. Keep it in mind and let the awe fill you. After only a minute you should experience an ease of tension!
Budget:
Some people get a psychological high from shopping. Credit cards seem to lay a spell over them by inviting them into a fairy-tale world where they can have whatever they want. The trap is the mental disconnection from the interest-rate consequences, until they happen – in about February, and then echo on down the New Year. Debting is a pervasive problem, usually initiated by excessive use of credit cards with high interest rates. When I work on this issue with my clients I support them as they get in touch with their deprived early life or confront their low self-esteem (and its causes) which is at the root of the behavior, to grieve and then move forward. With these clients I establish a spending plan ahead of the holidays which evolves from a process of creating clarity about exact income and expenditure, and supporting them as they face the emotional issues they’ve avoided for so long through this addictive behavior.
Plan:
Don’t shop without a detailed list, and check advertisements for a "good deal" ahead of time. It helps to shop early in the morning or late at night when the crowds are thin, and shop as soon as possible before your deadline. Set time limits on your shopping trips and use a pocket kitchen timer that will beep when you need to be moving on.
Midnight Services
Put spiritual centeredness and spiritual growth at the heart of your Holydays. The focus of contemplation at this time of year is "the light renewing itself at the time of greatest darkness, bringing hope and joy." Focus on bringing light to your life by choosing a spiritual goal for yourself and support it with specific actions. Some examples are: staying centered throughout the season by practicing a period of meditation whenever you begin to feel stress. Or extend kindness to all those you encounter by focusing your compassion on their vulnerabilities. Or practice patience and tolerance toward fellow travelers by being a courteous and aware driver.
Once you have decided on your specific goal and actions, make it the priority of your day. At the end of the day acknowledge your progress, and renew your commitment for tomorrow. A spiritual focus will help you detach from the inevitable stresses of this busy season, keep your values clear, and increase your self-esteem. It should also cost nothing and can improve your mental health and personal wellbeing.
May your days be merry and bright!
Link: Find a Therapist
Take a test:
See also:
|
 |
 |
|
