» Life Topics » Family & Relationships » Divorce
Separating
By: Mary Ann Massey, Ed.D.
It's never easy to decide to dissolve a marriage. Those who do, know their own reasons and must honor their hearts. Friends and family may not understand or even agree with the decision. For those of you who are in the midst of separation--or teetering at the decision stage--here are some thoughts to ponder...
1. After a time of turmoil, the partner who initiates separation feels some temporary peace. The struggle is over; the secret is out; relief is experienced. If the peace remains, if there is a deep knowing that this is where you need to be, then through that peace you will find the direction that is right for you. If confusion enters often, try meeting with your estranged partner, or talking on the phone. Perhaps, from the "separated" place, you two can talk more openly about the problems that led up to the radical decision.
2. I strongly suggest marriage counseling, individual counseling, and/or group counseling when couples reach impasses with each other. Many folks are members of the "anonymous" self-help groups and use them for their counseling needs. Those groups are great...but...they were not created to deal with the depth of personal pain that couples sometimes experience with each other. Many men find it defeating to go to counseling and air their private lives. Whatever the reticence in you or your spouse, reconsider counseling now during your separation time. This process enables you to work toward what’s right for you both.
3. Do not underestimate spiritual counseling. If this is your orientation, consider seeking guidance and support from someone you trust.
4. Guilt and shame about ending a marriage run rampant in those who believe that divorce is the only viable solution to a challenging marriage. Many wish someone could validate the decision, tell them it is okay to do this "terrible thing" called divorce. No one can, of course. When folks are vulnerable, they interpret information about marriages through fearful, guilt-ridden, shameful antennae. Divorce busters may access that private guilt plane.
I am personally glad that we have some new guardians of marriage, if you will. Marriage as a way of life is most challenging. When we are trying to build marriages during a time in history of multi-frontal rapid change, the relationship is greatly strained. It becomes subject to a tremendous amount of neglect because each partner needs more than the other has to give on any given day. Maybe each turns to work or children or play to fill a need they are not even sure they could articulate in its early stages. Later on, if the needs are still not tended to, separation becomes the inevitable consequence of loneliness, poor communication, or exhaustion. The couple adds to the statistic of one in two marriages that fail.
Marriage has had some bad press in the past 20 + years! Divorce busters are cautioning us against jumping the gun. Slow down, they say, and think about how difficult divorce is, how painful that readjustment period is for everyone involved, how long it takes, and how unlikely you are to find mr. or ms. perfect anywhere. Appreciate anew why you married that person in the first place. Perhaps there is still some substance to revitalize. These folks are NOT saying that all marriages can be revitalized or even SHOULD be. They are suggesting that MORE marriages can be salvaged than we currently conclude. This line of thinking is good news. It should not threaten anyone.
View Profile
Click here to view Mary Ann Massey's profile.
Link: Find a Therapist
Take a test:
See also:
|
 |
 |
|
