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Negative Peer Pressure: How to Help Kids Say "No" and Still Keep Their Friends
When parents hear the words "peer pressure" their faces usually take on a worried expression. So many people have assumptions about the phrase that may or may not be accurate. So, parents, take this quick true-or-false "peer pressure quiz" to determine your up-to-date awareness of this important subject:
1.) A definition of peer pressure would be "an invitation to trouble by someone close to the child's age." T or F?
2.) Negative peer pressure begins in the teen years. T or F?
3.) Most peer pressure situations that kids must deal with involve alcohol or other drugs. T or F?
4.) Bullies are the main groups of youth who extend "trouble invitations" at school. T or F?
All of the above statments are false. Peer pressure can be either positive (encouraging a friend to study or cheering a friend on in a sport) or negative. Negative peer pressure actually begins when children are as young as two-years-old ("If you don't play this game with me, you can just go home!"). Peer pressure does intensify, though, in the teen years.
The first year of middle school, the first year of high school, and the first year of college are especially tough as the kids are the youngest in the school, don't yet know their way around, and want badly to fit in. Research shows that 87% of America's teens face a negative peer pressure situation daily—most commonly concerning issues to cheat, skip classes, fight, lie to parents, vandalism, gossip/cliques, stay out late, drive fast, etc. Kids themselves report that the toughest groups of youth to say "no" to are best friends, older kids (including siblings), the popular group, and special boy or girl friends.
Modern youth are growing up faster than any previous generation before and having to make difficult decisions at younger and younger ages. The media, with its emphasis on sex and violence, tends to sophisticate them beyond their years. The mobility of our society does not support neighborhood unity, where, for previous generations of kids, any adult used to watch over (and even correct without fear of a lawsuit!) children. Extended families live afar. Microwave ovens have given us the luxury of "grazing" in shifts, making the family evening meal a relic. Technology divides and separates us in our own homes. Parents are working longer hours than generations before and are often exhausted when they finally get home. Too many kids are over-involved in extracurricular activities, meaning that most youth grade 5 and up spend more waking, communicating hours with peers and media than they do with their parents. No wonder values are changing!
So what's a parent to do? In this short space, I have a few suggestions:
** Manage your own peer pressure! Avoid letting the latest trends rule your buying habits. Don't overschedule yourself because you can't say "no" to others. Know that the "do as I say, not as I do" approach to parenting will fail.
** Watch less TV and monitor what your kids watch. Just as you wouldn't let your child eat junk food constantly, don't allow junk to go into their minds. Set a rule about quantity and quality of TV and consistently follow through.
** Aim for more family meals together--everyone present. No TV nor phone interruptions are allowed. Attempt pleasant conversation about the day. Avoid using this time together to discuss homework, chores, or other problems. Keep dinnertime conversation positive!
** Get to know the parents of your child's friends. Meet with them and discuss shared expectations when the kids visit each other.
** Don't put a TV or telephone in your child's own room. If you do, you will surely see them less and argue more! The preteen/teen years are times when you need to be with your child more.
** Be diligent so that your child does not catch "affluent-enza." "Affluent-enza" is when your child says "I want ___" and it often means "I get ___."
Another important way to help your child learn to manage negative peer influence is to teach them a skill I developed called "Peer Pressure Reversal." "Peer Pressure Reversal" is a 3-step skill that teaches your child how to 1.) Check Out the Scene 2.) Make a Good Decision, and 3.) Act to Avoid Trouble.
Children must be taught how subtle peer pressure can be. It can sound nice and friendly when someone says, "We won't get caught. It'll be fun and everyone is going to be there." Children must be taught to think logically, rather than emotionally, when with friends. And, of course, most important is to teach them what they can say or do to comfortably manage negative peer pressure. And it's got to be more than just teaching them to just say "no" or walk away. Those two techniques are the least likely way that kids will feel okay and be effective in managing the trouble traps. Kids can be taught to joke their way out of trouble, including suggesting a better idea, using flattery, making a true excuse, and learning to return the challenge when dared.
A helpful and successful technique for parents is to use role-playing with their kids to practice hypothetical situations, appropriate to their age and social contexts, that they may have to deal with. You could, for example, play the part of the "trouble-maker peer" with a dumb and/or dangerous idea, while your child plays the role of the "wise decision-maker" attempting to stay out of trouble while keeping their friends at the same time. Most kids don't want to get in trouble. If we can teach them how to avoid trouble while keeping friends, most kids will use "Peer Pressure Reversal" within 24 hours of learning it!
About Sharon Scott, LPC, LMFT
Sharon Scott is a therapist based in north Texas. She has been making a difference in people's lives for over 30 years through both her private marriage and family counseling and the dynamic workshops she's conducted across the U.S. and in Australia, Canada, Africa, Turkey, and Malaysia. She is the author of eight award-winning books, including "Peer Pressure Reversal: An Adult Guide to Developing a Responsible Child, 2nd Ed.," a bestseller for teens "How To Say No and Keep Your Friends, 2nd Ed.," and a delightful book for elementary-age children "co-authored" with her Cocker Spaniel, Nicholas, titled "Too Smart for Trouble."
Click Here to learn more about Sharon Scott, LPC, LMFT
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