» Life Topics » Parenting
Treating Siblings "The Same"
Sibling rivalry is virtually universal; its roots go back to Cain and Abel. It is almost inevitable that a newborn will take attention away from his or her older siblings. This shifting of attention often plants the seeds of future competitiveness.
One positive aspect of sibling rivalry is how it encourages children to share. Young people are keen observers of "who gets what" in the home and, if the parents are fair and are able to explain why Johnny got a new bike and Mary didn't, then the kids will have excellent opportunities to learn the values and rules associated with sharing.
Common sense and our own experiences during childhood oftentimes caution us to avoid favoring one child over another. Some parents are so concerned about not showing any preference, they deny normal differences in their feelings towards each of their children.
Having a "soft spot" for the first born, admiring the intelligence of a middle child, or feeling protective of the child born prematurely are all common occurrences. Being aware of these feelings and using that awareness to temper how you treat the child is more helpful than simply denying these special feelings.
How often do we hear ourselves say "I love all my children the same," or "I treat them all the same way"? A moment of reflection will tell us otherwise. We may love each of our children more than words can say, but sometimes we love them for different, or for unique reasons. And as for treating them all the same way, surely we don't respond to girls and boys or infants and teens in the same manner.
In the happiest of homes, each child is loved deeply, fully, and uniquely. That is, each child is loved for the special person that he or she is. By letting children know that they are each individuals with different needs and aspirations, parents can teach them that fairness doesn't mean that everyone always gets the same thing.
Kids are experts at making parents feel guilty about favoritism. In some cases, one or both parents are indeed communicating a dislike or disinterest in the child. In such cases, professional counseling may be needed in order to evaluate the problem and to resolve the feelings responsible for such attitudes. In most cases, however, parents simply need to reassure the child that he or she is loved deeply and in a special way.
One way to keep sibling rivalry at a manageable level is to spend time alone with each child, and to make it clear that you recognize the child's individuality. Mary can have her dance lessons and Johnny can have his baseball uniform because the children have different wants and abilities. In the same vein, Mary can have new skates because she uses hers regularly, while Johnny has to wait a season because he rarely wears his and because they're still in usable condition. When Johnny cries foul, remind him of his new bicycle and the fact his sister is pedaling around on her old one. Help him to see that fairness does not mean sameness.
About Dr. William Ralph...
Dr. William Ralph is a therapist based in San Francisco, California, specializing in addiction issues, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorders, chronic physical illness, depression, relastionship issues, and more.
Click Here to learn more about Dr. William Ralph
Link: Find a Therapist
Take a test:
See also:
|
 |
 |
|
