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The Quest for Perfection
All too often I encounter clients who expect perfection in all that they do. No matter what they accomplish, it is never enough. There is always another peak to climb. It becomes an endless pursuit that is never satisfied and often results in diminished self-esteem and the inability to bask in well-earned achievements.
Why the need to be so perfect? Frequently, there are underlying fantasies that one will receive long desired approval or recognition. At other times, it is a means of maintaining a sense of control and order. Striving for perfection can be an attempt to stave off criticism and avoid reproach. Perfectionists are usually self-critical and demanding. Attention is given not to what is done well, but that which requires improvement. Perfectionists often cannot appreciate the positive aspects of themselves that others so readily admire. They tend to devalue accomplishments or appreciate them for only a limited time. Perfectionists find it very painful to make mistakes. Mistakes are exaggerated in their negative importance and expose the fear of inadequacy, incompetence and imperfection.
How does one break out of this endless cycle of never feeling good enough? The first thing is to recognize that one's expectations are unrealistically high and unreasonable. It is sometimes helpful to understand where one learned these standards and who else of significance might hold these expectations of you. One might also explore what they imagine would be different if they could be perfect.
Learning to identify and value one’s strengths is yet another step to pursue. It is important to pay attention to how much weight one places on both positive and negative behaviors. There is a tendency to give a great deal of attention to the negatives and minimize the positives. Perfectionists engage in black and white thinking. If something isn’t perceived as perfect, it is often felt to be a failure. Consider the gray areas in between, evaluating both the positive and negative aspects. Perfectionists need to learn to accept mistakes and criticism as possibilities for growth and learning; not evidence of shortcoming and failure. We often learn the most valuable lessons from mistakes.
Perfectionism can be a crippling and painful way to live. It can be extremely restricting, robbing oneself of the opportunity to risk being human and grow from mistakes. It can impair relationships with loved ones and drive one to relentless pursuits. Most of all, it inhibits contentment and good feelings about oneself.
About Adrienne Rich Hochman...
Adrienne Rich Hochman, LCSW, is a therapist based in Miami, Florida, specializing in adoption issues, adult children of alcoholics, anxiety disorders, bereavement/grief, depression, infertility issues, marriage/couples issues, and more.
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