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Achieving a Happy Marriage
By: Mary M. Lansing
Of all the hundreds of books written with the answer to having a happy marriage, the one that has made the most sense to me, years afterward, is The Couple’s Journey, by Susan Campbell, Ph.D. (currently out of print). She speaks of the stages of a marriage and denotes them as 1.) the romantic; 2.) the power struggle; 3.) the stabilization; 4.) the reaching out; 5.) the co-creation. Rather than reiterate what she says, I’ll tell you I was particularly struck with her statement about #2: Many couples never pass through this stage, but stay stuck in picking at each other, one-upping each other, and setting traps. Kind of like two five-year-olds fighting over a toy.
What I like most about the stages, however, is that the author tells you what you can expect if your marriage is a typical one that isn’t filled with criticism and blame. In my marriage counseling practice I’ve learned that couples can count on those stages. It seems to me that knowing what you can expect from your spouse can give you enough pause to take a look at what is going on between you. And that is what every marriage needs. A pause to take a look at what is going on.
Let’s look at a typical example. Let’s say John and Sylvia both work outside the home. John arrives home every night at 5:30, weary from traffic and discouraged with a job he’s not in love with. He is greeted at the door by two or three kids all wanting his attention. Sylvia (home first) wants to get on with dinner so the kids will calm down and life can be easier. She has instructions for John. He only wants to collapse and have a drink (water or booze, we’re not talking about what not to do here). He either complies, does what she wants and says nothing, but resents being told what to do; or he rebels, starts criticizing her either aloud or in his head and does what he wants. Either way, the scene repeats itself nearly every night at 6:00. The kids take this all in. The key here is “the scene repeats….” That’s where the situation is fixable.
John and Sylvia keep repeating the same scenario because they don’t see what is going on. (It’s hard to step outside the picture to look at it.) Further, each of them has an idea in the head (an expectation) of how it is supposed to be. Most often, people are not aware of that, so they don’t share their views. Where the trouble begins is with each spouse acting on the way it’s supposed to be for him or her, rather than how it is. They don’t readily see how it is, because it’s hard to step outside their own picture.
Achieving a happy marriage goes something like this:
John wakes up Saturday morning, hears the kids listening to the cartoons, turns to Sylvia and says,
John: I need to talk about what goes on every night after work. Will you listen?
Sylvia: Yes, if I get my turn before breakfast.
John: Deal. Okay. I’ve noticed how we both arrive home pooped, treat greeting the kids and getting dinner like it’s part of the day’s work, and then when it’s time to do the dishes, we’re both scrappy and critical. I wouldn’t be upset about this if it didn’t happen just about every night! We don’t look at each other, and we don’t seem to be as happy as we used to be. At least, I’m not.
Sylvia: So, it’s my fault, I suppose.
John: No, I’m just telling you what I experience is going on in our house. Is your experience different?
Sylvia: (thinking about it) Not really. We’re both tired and there’s still so much to do! That’s why I’m tempted to stop off with the girls at The Attitude Adjustment to have a couple drinks most nights. At least after that, it doesn’t feel so bad.
John: I must admit I feel like doing that too. Sometimes I wish we had a pill that makes us not so tired. But I’m getting off the subject. If we agree that we’re both tired and we would like some kind of change, perhaps we could discuss some options to the way it is every night. Do you think?
Sylvia: I’d like that. One thing, we both need a breathing spell before we get into anything either with each other or the kids. I know I often bark at you or them just because I’ve had a bad day.
John: Right. Me too. And I think we both bring it home with us. Or it’s the traffic. Or one of us is just irritable because of who-knows-what!
Sylvia: I think I’d rather figure out why later. For now, let’s both come up with some answers to this and meet later today to have another talk. Okay?
John: Good idea.
You see, John and Sylvia have paid attention to what is going on right under their noses. And by doing so, they’re able to look at a pattern they’ve fallen into that doesn’t work for them (or their kids). Next step, break up that pattern. Do something different. Keep having dialogues about it.
Do You Bicker Like The Bickersons?
The Bickersons was an old radio show where two radio actors (Don Ameche and Frances Langford) enacted a fighting couple in the ‘40’s, Blanche and John. Blanche found much to complain about in John’s behavior. John whined a lot, tried to get her off his back, and in every show found a way to manipulate his way out of “being in trouble with the little wife”. Listeners to the show found much to identify with. They laughed and said, “that’s the way it is!”
The trouble is, if that is the way it is, it’s only funny when you hear someone else playing the parts. When it is happening to you, it hurts and keeps intimacy from happening.
Both criticism and blame come from feeling emotionally wounded. The wound may be deep, stemming from childhood abuse, or it may be shallow, stemming from an insult just this morning that still hurts. It’s a human trait to want to get rid of the wound. One way to get rid of it is to push it onto someone close to you. Someone who can’t leave you (your child, for instance) or someone who won’t leave you (your spouse – at least, you hope, not at this moment). Realize it or not, you believe you’re safe in projecting your bad feelings on your spouse. The trouble is, such behavior causes pain between the two of you and leads to more wounding of the relationship.
Again, one way to rectify the situation is to step back and look at the big picture. Ask yourself some important questions: 1.) What am I doing right now? 2.) Do I have to solve this problem in this same old way, again? 3.) What is happening between us that seems to have happened many times in the past? Once you’ve answered any one of these, you are in a place to examine what is going on. People often connect with a marriage counselor at this stage, to get help seeing the big picture. Married couples play a game out of their awareness that we call “If It Weren’t For You” (IWFY). It is a blame game and until couples bring it into awareness, they are destined to keep playing it, each ending up with bad feelings. Here is an example:
Gloria: The garbage under the sink needs emptying. (Assumption: It’s someone else’s job.)
Bob: I didn’t have time this morning. (He buys her assumption.)
Gloria: Well, I can’t stuff any more into it. (I’m helpless here.)
Bob: Why don’t you just take it out yourself? (Getting bolder, and secretly angry she’s so helpless.)
Gloria: All right, then, you make the dinner, dammit, and I’ll do your job! (Throwing down the towel (spelled guantlet) and stamping out of the room.)
Bob: If you weren’t such a whiner, I’d come home happy to take out the garbage! (IWFY)
They both get a payoff of bad feelings. Gloria feels put-upon because she “has to do it all”, and Bob feels blamed for something he should have known needed doing. The result? No intimacy tonight, Honey. I’m mad at you.
Games are a way that a couple connect with each other, even though it’s in a hurtful way. With the sting of criticism they both experience, at least it’s some kind of feeling! However, connecting is possible on a more loving level. Once this couple begins to see how the same game gets played again and again, they can make a decision to do something different. Then, they are in a position to start to see the “big picture”. It’s helpful for them to identify the way these interchanges go (write them down). Once they do, they are talking about the game rather than playing it. At that point, change is right around the corner.
About Mary Lansing...
Mary M. Lansing, MFT, is a therapist based in Portland, Oregon specializing in adult children of alcoholics, anxiety disorders, depression, marriage/couples issues, parenting issues, trauma, women's issues and more.
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