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You've Got Mail: Online Affairs
By: Eugenie Connall, M.A., M.S.
With the emergence of the Internet has come a new form of infidelity: online affairs. Although these affairs seldom involve physical contact, they are still sexual in nature. Online affairs consist of the same elements as non-online affairs, including secrecy, fantasy, excitement, denial, and rationalization. Worst of all, they are devastating and destructive to the primary relationship.
Most online affairs begin as an escape from the routine of everyday life. Soon, however, the new online friend becomes an infatuation and both partners in the affair frequently plot to meet in person. Whether this occurs or not, the betrayed partner becomes increasingly suspicious while being reassured by the offending partner that nothing is happening. All the while, of course, the primary relationship is being eroded and the trust is being destroyed.
What individuals engaged in online affairs need to know is that they are not real. They are an escape from reality. As with any new relationship, the partners present their best sides online. In reality, however, if the fantasy ends and the people get together in real life, the relationships usually are doomed to failure as the fantasy love affair takes on the real responsibilities of life. Frequently, people who engage in online affairs find themselves losing both their primary partner and the online affair partner as a result of their deception.
My clients frequently ask me what is infidelity? I tell them to ask their partner. If a person is engaged in an activity without the knowledge and consent of his or her partner, that's destructive to the relationship and, as far as I m concerned, is infidelity. I encourage my clients to find a more positive and healthy avenue for igniting that alive feeling one that is rooted in reality, not fantasy.
If you or your partner are involved (or have been involved) in an online affair, please seek help to address the underlying motivations for looking elsewhere and to recover from the inevitable devastation caused by such an affair. With counseling, individuals and couples can recover from infidelity and find healthier ways of seeking something exciting and personally gratifying in their lives.
About Eugenie Connall...
Eugenie Connall, M.A., M.S., is a therapist based in Columbia, MD, specializing in adolescent issues, adoption issues, attention deficit disorders, divorce, and fertility issues.
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