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» Life Topics » Family & Relationships » Domestic Violence
How Can You Tell When Bad Behavior Is Actually Domestic Violence?
Simply put, domestic violence is the consequence of a family member's abusive behavior that goes unchecked -- it could be the husband, wife, father, mother, teenaged son or daughter, brother or sister, grandparent, or perhaps in-law. Domestic violence does not discriminate. It occurs in all communities throughout our country and crosses all boundaries of class, race, religion, sexual orientation, education background and socio-economic status. It can be triggered by such factors as times of financial stress, drug or alcohol problems, marital crisis, the demands of parenting, or the need of one family member to establish power or control over another -- but there is never a good "excuse" for abusive behavior. Domestic violence is always unacceptable and, in many cases, it is a crime.
What Kind of Behavior is Considered Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence can take many forms and, typically, many kinds of abuse go on at the same time and more than one family member becomes the "target." For example, children in homes where parental violence occurs are 150 times more likely to be either physically or sexually abused or to suffer from serious neglect.
- Psychological abuse -- Psychological abuse can include constant verbal attacks insults, harassment, threats and interrogations; excessive possessiveness; stalking; controlling and/or limiting another's behavior; isolating the victim(s) from friends or other outside support systems; controlling and/or depriving another of physical or economic resources; and destruction of personal property.
- Physical abuse -- Physical abuse often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, or angry out-of-control behavior in the presence of whomever they want to frighten or intimidate, for example, punching a fist through a wall or driving recklessly. Physical abuse also includes slapping, kicking, punching, biting, hair pulling, restraining or shoving. When someone is physically abusive, their episodes of violence can escalate into more frequent and aggressive attacks which can even become life-threatening, with such serious violent assaults as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.
- Sexual abuse -- Sexual abuse is forced or coerced sexual acts or behavior such as unwanted fondling or intercourse. It can also be crude jokes or insults aimed at sexuality. The victim(s) of domestic sexual abuse could be a spouse, child, sibling, or any other member of the family. Episodes of physical abuse can be accompanied by or culminate in sexual abuse.
The Cycle of Violence
The cycle of violence represents a pattern of three phases of behavior -- tension, explosion, and the "honeymoon phase" -- that is often experienced in households affected by a family member's abusive behavior. These three phases repeat over and over, and denial -- whenever family members minimize the effect of the abuse, make excuses for the abuser, or act as if the violent episodes never happened -- can play a major role in keeping the cycle going.
- Tension Phase -- The tension or "walking on eggshells" phase is usually the longest and can involve varying lengths of time; it could be weeks, months, or sometimes even years in which relatively minor incidents of abuse occur and the victim becomes keenly aware of growing tension. Typically, the victim(s) or "target(s)" of abuse make extra efforts to try to please or placate the abuser in an attempt to avoid an escalation of abuse.
- Explosion phase -- Episode(s) of violent abuse -- psychological, physical and/or sexual -- occurs.
- Honeymoon Phase -- The abuser is sorry and apologetic and may make promises to never act abusively again. This phase can last for varying lengths of time, but inevitably it "thins out" and merges into the tension phase for yet another spin around the cycle of violence.
Unless there is meaningful intervention, the cycle of violence not only repeats itself again and again in an abusive relationship, it also risks becoming intergenerational by repeating itself in the future relationships of those who experienced violence in the home as they grew up. In many cases, an individual who witnessed or was directly victimized by violence in the home as a child has learned that violence is "normal" behavior and could become an abusive spouse and/or parent themselves.
The enduring effects of domestic violence can also felt by the community at large: current studies indicate that children who grow up in violent homes have a 74% higher likelihood of committing serious assault as adults. Getting help now for domestic violence is not only an opportunity to find ways to stop the abuse and ensure the family's present day safety, health and happiness, it can also be chance to positively affect future generations.
Getting Help
Abusiveness and violence are behaviors that are learned, and, like all learned behaviors, they can be changed. With the help of professional therapeutic intervention, individuals who have behaved abusively can learn new coping skills, address deep-seated personal issues, and develop strategies for healthier ways to relate to others. And with good professional therapeutic help, victims of domestic violence can heal and recover from the abuse. There are therapists who are specifically trained and especially skilled at helping those whose lives are affected by domestic violence. For many families, seeking help through therapy -- sometimes individual therapy, sometimes family therapy, or sometimes a combination of both -- offers what can best be thought of as a life saving measure.
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