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If a Friend’s Involved in Domestic Violence…
Domestic abuse does not discriminate. It crosses all boundaries of race, religion, gender, age, and socio-economic status. And it could happen to someone you know and care about. Confronting the possibility that a friend of yours is either the victim or the cause of domestic abuse -- and then figuring out what you should do to help -- may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, the action you take could save lives.
Domestic abuse often begins with such aggressive behaviors as threats, name calling, or angry and out-of-control actions like driving recklessly or punching a fist through a wall. It may escalate to even more aggressive behavior, such as restraining, pushing, or slapping. The abuse might include punching, kicking, biting, tripping, or sexual assault. Finally, it may become life-threatening, with seriously violent actions such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.
Things you can do if you think a friend is the victim of domestic violence:
If you have a friend you think may be the victim of domestic violence, do not look the other way. Bring up the subject. Talk to them about it. Let them know you care and want to help. If they are, in fact, in an abusive relationship, they need a friend now more than ever. Some suggestions of ways you can be supportive include:
- Gently, but directly, ask questions about their situation. Give them time to talk about what they feel comfortable sharing. Ask again a few days later.
- Listen without judging. Often someone who’s being abused feels responsible, ashamed, and hypersensitive about how her situation will be perceived.
- Tell them the abuse is not their fault. Physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable and there’s never a good excuse for it—not alcohol or drugs, financial problems, depression, jealousy, and certainly not anything they’ve said or done.
- Help them to understand that they are not alone. Domestic violence occurs in all communities in our country, affecting families of every race, religion and socio economic status.
- Let them know that domestic violence tends to only get worse, becomes even more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own.
- Be very clear in letting them know that family violence is not a private matter, it’s a crime. Tell them that they can seek protection from the police and/or get emergency 24-hour assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
- Work with them to seek professional resources that can help them take care of themselves. 4therapy’s Therapist Locator can identify a therapist in their area who is especially experienced at helping people who find themselves in situations just like theirs.
Things you can do if you think a friend is the cause of domestic violence:
It's often hard to acknowledge that a friend's behavior is out of control -- and it can be even harder to confront them about their problem. It's understandable that you will want to believe them when they say that there's nothing to worry about and that you're wrong about thinking they’re acting abusively. But if you have seen behavior that makes you think they may be hurting someone —- their wife, husband, child, parent, or grandparent -- you owe it to your friend and to their family to take a stand.
It may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but speaking out can be the best course of action:
- Be very specific about what you saw occur and how it made you feel. For example, you could say "I didn’t like it when you pushed your wife (or husband, child or parent) and called them an ugly name in front of everyone, and I can only imagine how it made them feel."
- Take a stand. Let them know that, as their friend, you’re not going to witness the abusive behavior and not say anything about it.
- Give them a reality check. Let them know their abusive behavior is unacceptable. You might add that abuse often leads to violence, whether it’s intentional or not, and their behavior could result in severe consequences, including serious injury to their family member and arrest for them.
- Urge them to seek help. For emergency 24-hour assistance, they can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
- Let them know that abusiveness is a learned behavior and, like all behaviors, with professional help, it can be changed. Reassure them by letting them know that there are therapists who are especially skilled at helping people in situations just like theirs and offer to help them find a therapist in their area by using 4therapy’s Therapist Locator.
- If you see your friend assaulting someone in their family, be very careful and do not put yourself at risk. Call 911 for immediate help.
If you want to talk with someone yourself to get professional advice about a particular domestic abuse situation a friend of yours is experiencing, you can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
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