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No Time for Sex??
By: Lori Buckley, Psy.D.
Our lives are full, extremely busy, and we’re exhausted. We go to work, manage our households and spend time with our children. Some of us even manage to get to the gym or indulge in an hour or two of television before going to bed so we can repeat the cycle tomorrow. We may rightfully ask, “Is this all there is?” One of the most common complaints I hear in my practice as a therapist is that there is simply no time for sex.
When couples tell me they have no time for sex, I wonder if this is really a time issue or the quality of sex that’s falling short. The good news is that either way there are things you can do to improve your sex life. The purpose of this article is to review “no time for sex” warning signs that may sound familiar, identify ways to get the sizzle back into your sex life with our routine breaker ideas, and discuss ways to create time for sex.
No Time for Sex Warning Signs
Warning sign #1 - watching T.V. is more enticing than making love.
Warning sign #2 sex feels like another chore or something to add to our “to do” list.
Warning sign #3: Having sex is at the bottom of your list of priorities.
Warning sign #4: You can’t remember the last time you had sex with your partner.
Get the Sizzle Back
So, what can you do to increase the quality and quantity of sex in your relationship? This is another question many of my patients ask in one form or another. Finding time for sex can be a challenge. But, let’s face it, when sex is great, time is not a factor. Perhaps, our sex life suffers because it’s not as exciting or fulfilling as it could be.
We humans are animals and, like all animals, we habituate to the familiar. Have you ever noticed that the more familiar something is the less you actively see it or feel the need to interact with it? Perhaps this behavior pattern evolved from our days in the wild where we were constantly scanning for new things because new things could surprise us in all the wrong ways. New things could kill you, so anything new had to be learned quickly. Old stuff could be ignored.
Sound familiar? Has your sex become dull, predictable and routine? You aren’t alone. Remember we will habituate to anything that is too routine. This means the first rule is to break up your old routine. Consistently add novelty by doing a little something different all the time. Here are some great routine breaker ideas:
Routine Breaker Idea: Watch a DVD
Watching an adult DVD together can be hot. Watching DVD’s can also help begin a conversation with your partner and get some new ideas about what you’d like to try together. I frequently recommend the following DVD’s to my patients:
I recommend The Better Sex Video Series for couples who have difficulty talking about sex with their partner and want to increase their sexual knowledge-it shows real couples having real sex and covers everything from anatomy to sexual fantasies.
The better sex guide to the Kama Sutra is a great DVD to learn about the wonders of the Kama Sutra and see couples demonstrate passionate and intriguing sexual positions.
And, I recommend Candida Royall’s films for couples who want some softer erotica without the instruction.
Routine Breaker Idea: Get Out of the Bed Room
Remember, intimacy and seduction does not just begin in, and is not restricted to the bedroom. Treat your partner like you did when you first met. You’d be surprised at what a fun evening out, a surprise love note, small gift and affection can do to put your partner “in the mood”. Then, to enhance your passion don’t go to the usual place to make love. Try the kitchen, living room floor or the backyard. If you think the neighbors will see and you have to stay in the bedroom, vary the setting by changing the lighting. Use candles, turn the television off and rearrange the bed.
Routine Breaker Idea: Create a Log to See How You Are Spending Your Time
How you spend your time is how you are spending your life. We all have 168 hours in a week. Subtract 56 hours for sleep and you are left with 112 hours a week or about 16 hours a day. Take work out of that number and you have about 8 to 10 hours a day for everything else. Kids, television, cell phone, pets, reading and meals all compete for 8 to 10 hours. If you don’t know how you are spending the precious time in your life you should create a time log of everything you do a few days. I suggest journaling or logging to my patients to help them learn what they are doing so they can make conscious choices of how they want to spend their time.
Log everything you do for a few days to see if you are spending your time and your life in a way which is consistent with your priorities. If you see that your priorities are out of whack, make an active decision about what activity(s) to reduce in order to get back into balance and to spend time doing what really matters. The seemingly urgent things like answering the phone and reading your email sometimes take over our lives leaving us little or no time for the most important things such as alone time and/or sex with the person we love.
How many hours do you spend on your cell phone, computer, and in front of the T.V.? It’s important to make your partner a priority in your life. Are they receiving their fair share of quality time? If you answered no to this question you are not alone. Log it to change it is my advice to many of my patients.
Routine Breaker Idea: Quickies
Putting a time limit on something can make it more exciting. Are the kids going to be back any second? Are you expected somewhere for dinner? Are the elevator doors going to open? Finding ways to have a “quickie” can add some new heat and passion into even the most tired relationship. Use time to help rather than restrict. And, remember, if you over use quickies they will become as routine as anything else.
Routine Breaker: Planning
One of the suggestions I make to my time challenged patients is to schedule time for sex. Use a secret code word in your calendar, then email a meeting request to your partner using your code. Create a sexual “agenda” that highlights what you are going to do to your partner. Take turns planning intimate, fun, sexual evenings. Forget dinner and a movie…that’s for another evening. This night is all about the sex. It is in the calendar and, for you Type A’s, your calendar is your life. Use those skills that you’ve developed to achieve success to create the connection with your partner that can easily be lost as you climb rungs on life’s ladder. It’s important that you don’t lose the reason you started the climb in the first place.
Fake It Till You Make It
If your sex life is not fulfilling then it will never become a priority. I teach my patients to take responsibility for their own sex life and sexual happiness. If you don’t like your sex life change it by communicating with your partner and breaking your boring routine. Take action and be happy with the results. Through constant effort and communication you and your partner will create a sex life that is so exiting, fun and fulfilling that finding time for it will never be a problem.
Click Here to learn more about Lori Buckley, Psy.D.
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