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Depressed About Feeling Depressed...
By: John Fishbein, Ph.D.
Depression is like emotional quicksand. The more you struggle and fight to get out of it, the deeper you sink. One reason you may get stuck feeling depressed is that you do not realize there are two levels or layers of depression.
Layer One:
The initial feelings of depression everyone experiences from time to time. They last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. This level is like initially stepping into quicksand.
Layer Two:
Depressed about feeling depressed. You sink to this level as a result of the understandable, though counterproductive, reaction of doing battle with your feelings.
Example:
Brad, a successful attorney, had lost the zest for life he once enjoyed. He was going through the motions of living without feeling the emotion. He was successful at work but personally unhappy. For several months he balked at his wife's observations concerning him. He insisted he was fine. He was impeccably rational and certainly did not have any emotional problems. When he finally--and reluctantly--came to see me, it was readily apparent he considered himself too bright to be as miserable as he was. Not only was he initially embarrassed to feel the way the rest of us feel on occasion, he was severely condemning himself for feeling depressed.
Before he could begin making the personal improvements preliminary to feeling better, it was necessary for him to overcome depressing himself about feeling depressed.
Key Point:
Before you can begin climbing out of the pit, it is necessary to first learn to acknowledge and give yourself permission to feel pure, unadulterated depression, without making things worse by fighting and resisting the unpleasant feelings.
STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER
1. Notice what you say to yourself in response to feeling depressed.
Depressing thought: I can't stand feeling this way.
Better: I don't like feeling this way.
Depressing thought: There's no reason for me to feel this way.
Better: There is some reason, even if it isn't rational.
Depressing thought: What an idiot I am for feeling so depressed when I should be thankful for so much.
Better: You don't have to be an idiot to feel depressed--everybody feels that way sometimes.
2. Remind yourself that before you can start to make improvements necessary to feeling better, it is essential to first acknowledge and accept the temporary fact that you are feeling depressed. Say to yourself, "I am currently feeling depressed, despite my strongest and most sincere desires to the contrary. The unpleasant fact is, I'm not only feeling depressed about . . . I'm also feeling depressed about feeling depressed."
Result:
By repeating this statement over and over, you will more rapidly eliminate the second layer of feeling depressed.
3. If you are not yet finished being depressed about being depressed, give yourself some guidelines for dealing with feeling depressed. Set up a limited time and space to focus on depression. Decide on a special place you will go to think about feeling depressed such as the bathroom, an old chair, or a storage room. Give yourself a time limit, and strive to limit your depressing thoughts about depression to your special place and time.
Example:
A friend of mine has what she calls a pity party. She invites herself and a large bag of M & M's to a secret party in her bedroom. Although normally conscious of health and fitness, she nevertheless has her special little party on occasions when she gets down on herself about feeling down. Then she gets going again, back on track, doing the kind of things she knows will eventually lead to feeling better. Whenever she is tempted to feel sorry for herself, she just thinks of her pity-party, knowing she has already done enough of that.
Caution:
Regular pity-parties with or without food are not conducive to good physical or mental health. Nor is a pity-party advised for severe or chronic depression.
4. Rather than viewing depression as an enemy, begin thinking of it as an irritating siren, warning you to take corrective action. Your challenge is to discover what that action is and then to take it.
Key Point:
Depression, like physical pain or the making of mistakes, usually provides opportunity for learning and growth, albeit unpleasantly.
5. Seek to discover the meaning and potential value--not necessarily the cause--of the unpleasant feelings. Ask yourself, "How can I benefit from these feelings? Is the pain suggesting I do something differently? If so, what shall I do better?
6. If you are stuck feeling depressed about feeling depressed, be patient. Look forward to simply experiencing pure, unadulterated feelings of depression (just the initial feelings of depression) without depressing yourself about feeling depressed. Then you will be able to better get on with the business of doing something constructive, leading to feeling better.
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