There are a lot of articles and books written to help the depressed person. However, very little has been written to help the partner who is close to the depressed person. If you are living with a depressed person now, you need help too. When someone you love feels sad, unhappy, and often hopeless, you, too, can begin to feel helpless and hopeless.

The common symptoms of depression include at least three or four of the following (for at least two weeks or longer):

Feeling sad, or experiencing an "empty" mood

Sleeping too little or too much

Experiencing a reduced appetite and weight loss, or an increased appetite and weight gain

Experiencing a loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed

Feeling hopeless, guilty or worthless

Feeling tired, with low energy, and speaking in slow manner

Having problems concentrating

Experiencing restlessness and/or irritability

Having a pessimistic outlook on life

Persisting physical symptoms that don't respond to treatment ( e.g., headaches, chronic pain, vague body aches)

Experiencing agitated actions (e.g., hand wringing or pacing)

Crying excessively

Experiencing social withdrawal

Having recurring thoughts of death or suicide

Your partner may complain of feeling he/she is in a "black hole inside"—the single and most challenging task for you is to accept that your LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH to pull or help your partner out of the pain he/she is in.

Being patient, tolerant, understanding, and compassionate is, of course, helpful and necessary, however, you should not neglect yourself or your own needs. Each depressed person is unique in how the course and degree of their depression unfolds, and how their recovery will manifest itself. There is no one way they will heal. This article is focused on offering the following TIPS for ways in which you can maintain your own strength and well-being:


l. Keep up your own daily routines.

2. Allow yourself down time and some pleasure. If you mate is feeling too low to go with you to dinner and a movie and wants to stay in bed, be accepting and loving but make plans to go out with a friend.

3. If chores in the home are not being done, hire someone to come in and help out (if you can afford to) rather than be a martyr and do your own chores as well as your partner's.

4. If your partner is in therapy, that is good . But if they’re not, try to help him/her to see a therapist.

5. If your partner wants to cancel a vacation, try to find a friend and go anyway--or even go by yourself.

6. Try to find something to do outside of your usual routine that will lift your own spirits (e.g., taking a class in a craft of your choice, getting a massage, going to concert—whatever works for you).

7. Understand and accept that your own feelings will most likely range from love, compassion, and understanding for your partner, but will also include feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, impatience, annoyance, irritability, loneliness, and anger. Just allow yourself to experience whatever you feel. It is important to not JUDGE your reactions.

8. You need to periodically assess how much you can give and when your giving leads you to feel drained and at your physical and emotional limits. Listen to those limits and know that it is okay to say "no" to a request from your partner.

9. Learn to let go and give your partner space to heal at his/her own pace and in their own way.

Copyright © 2005 by Leslie A. Zeigler